Anti Rules.

I'm sure we all know how The Rules divide opinion. That's what is so great about them.  They're not for everyone which means anyone doing The Rules has a huge advantage.

When I first came across The Rules, I didn't believe they worked either.  Not making the first contact or not returning texts and emails seemed alien.  They really did. So I decided to test them to see if they worked.  And they did work. They worked very well.

If they're not for you then that's absolutely fine.  Although I'd say it'd be better to at least try them out before rejecting them.   The following article talks about all that is wrong with The Rules.  The article is written by a woman who I'm guessing has never tried The Rules.

Anyway it's very anti-Rules but you can  have a read here.

My favourite is how the author has translated  The Rules as women giving up their power.  Anyone doing The Rules will tell you how empowering and liberating The Rules actually are.

The Rules take lots of faith, patience, self restraint and effort - one of the reasons why they're not for everyone.

For a private Rules consultation please visit wingsbowsandarrows.com

With a little help from our friends.

Support. 

We all need it.

Doesn’t matter whether you’re single and searching.  In an exclusive relationship. Engaged or married.  We can all benefit with a little help from like minded friends.

I must confess even a Rules coach sometimes need support.  I don’t necessarily need support in understanding or applying The Rules, but I have reached out to my Rules friends especially when it comes to tackling some of the big questions  e.g. have I made the right choice.  Unfortunately no amount of Rules can help with these types of questions. That said, talking things through with a trusted and tight lip friend pays dividends.

I have many non Rules friend who also offer excellent advice but if you’re doing The Rules, it’s best to ask another Rules-y friend.  Rules girls understand other Rules girls.  We share a similar mindset

If you’re single or in a relationship try and find a support group.  You don’t necessarily have to join a Rules group per se.  My biggest support was my friend K.  We met at work.  We were working on the same project and got talking.  It just happened that we were both dating and doing The Rules.

We helped each other during the ‘wobbly’ dating phases.  And there will be 'wobbly' phases.  There will be lots of them. How you handle them will either make or break a relationship.

There are some great Rules groups on facebook. There are also Rules groups which can be accessed via The Rulesbook website.  If you don’t fancy joining a formal group then try and find a Rules friend.  Look within your network of family and friends first.

If you do decide to join a ‘group’ then here are some tips to get you to started

• Find out how many members the group has and who the moderator is. 
• Find out if the group have any guidelines about conduct. If so do the other members adhere to them.
• You may be asked to introduce yourself to the group via a bio. Before you submit your bio ask the moderator if they intend on sharing your bio with the group.  If they do then keep this very short and sweet.
• If the group is private or members only, take some time to read the tone of the questions and answers before you start posting. In some groups the tone can be a little off key.  I think it’s all that oestrogen.  If you don't like the tone then leave the group and find another one.
• Don’t share your life story until you’ve worked out whether the group is for you or not.
• If you do decide to join a group then don’t be a passive participant.  Remember you get back  what you put in. Try and help others if you can.

Take solace in the fact that you’re not alone.   You’re really not.  The good news is that there are groups that can help you.  Just remember to do your homework and pick the right group for you.

For a private Rules consultation please visit wingsbowsandarrows.com

Reading List Part II

This week I was hoping to write a book review or two. 

While I work on it and following on from an earlier blog post.  Here is reading list part II.

Again the books listed are the ones that I found useful from the many that I’ve read and studied.

• The Mating Game – Why Men Want Sex and Women Need Love by Allan and Barbara Pease

• Why Men Don’t Have a Clue & Women Always Need More Shoes by Allan and Barbara Pease

• Getting To I Do by Dr Patricia Allen and Sandra Harmon.

The last book is excellent.  It’s so insightful and is a great source of advice for anyone in a committed or exclusive relationship.

It's a shame they don't teach us about relationships at school.  I'd have found it much more useful than my  General Studies  A level.

For a private Rules consultation please visit wingsbowsandarrows.com

Disappointment - the enemy

Yesterday the team at The Singles Hub shared a blog post about disappointment being an enemy

I found it so interesting that I'm sharing it here too.

Have a read here.

Event - Online Dating Workshop.

Dear Readers,

Quick reminder about next Tuesday's  online dating workshop.

The seminar will cover everything from how to create a winning screen name and a Rulesy profile.  We'll also talk about how to weed out the time wasters and much more.

If you'd like to sign up you can do so by following this link.

Is it worth it?

Yes it is. 

From someone who has done her fair share of dating and who has applied The Rules bootcamp.  I can tell you that all the time spent dating, learning and doing The Rules, and wondering whether you’ll ever meet the one is most definitely worth it.

If you want to meet someone but can’t be bothered to put the effort in – then be prepared to stay single.

If you’re single keep at it and refuse to give up.  There will be times when you’ll think it’ll never happen. 

It will.

Men like women who like themselves.

This is true. 

Men like women who like themselves and who are a pleasure to be around.  Within The Rules territory this would translate as Rule #54 Be Easy to Live With.

Men don't like neurotic, chaotic, drama prone women.  I’d guess not many of us would enjoy these temperaments long term in our partners either. 

This article posted on facebook and which I thought I'd share with you explains more. Have a read here

In the meantime remember “your outlook on life is a direct reflection on how much you like yourself.”

It'd be a pleasure to help you apply The Rules within your own dating and relationship journey.  For a private consultation please visit  wingsbowsandarrows.com

Speed dating refresher.

If you’re single, speed dating is one way to meet other singletons. 

I went speed dating a number of times.   Once I roped a couple of friends who waited in the bar while I speed dated.  Another time a group of us went together. We thought going en masse would lessen the pain. And on more than one occasion I went solo.   

Having tired these different formats. Personally I’d say either go solo, or with one friend who is also willingly to speed date.  The downside to having your friends at the bar is that they become really enthusiastic on your behalf.  They mean very well but their good intentions add to the pressure.

I wouldn’t recommend going in a group either.  One time, four of us decided to attend a speed dating event.  This made some of the men self conscious.  They knew we were all together which put them on edge.  Going with one other friend is a good option but make sure you don’t sit together as you’ll hear each other conversations.   Men usually ask who you’ve come with.  Pointing to your friend who is sitting next to you may make them feel tense.

If you can stomach it.  Go solo. This can be uncomfortable especially right in the beginning and in the break as often you feel like a spare part.  I really think the event organisers can do more to make us feel at ease.  In my experience the organisers looked as scared as the participants which didn’t make for a relaxed atmosphere.

Each time I went solo I tried to befriend another girl. Some of these girls remain friends even though we met briefly at a speed dating event. 

The reason I’m writing about this is because yesterday evening a very good friend bought tickets to a speed dating event.  She selected an event for older women and younger men.  She offered to write a post event report.  Unfortunately on entering the event and after looking at the men, she decided not to participate and rather amusingly ran away.  So  no event write up dear readers, but here’s some advice should you decide to speed date and actually participate.

• Don’t be afraid to go solo.  If you decide to go by yourself then locate a friendly looking girl who is also by herself and introduce yourself.  I did this on several occasions and every girl I spoke to was thankful for the company.  I always made a point of doing this esp if I was with a friend and she was alone.  I’d invite her to join us so she wasn’t by herself.

• Dress for the event.  Remember men are visual and fall in love with their eyes.  They also have plenty of time of ogle before and during the event.  You may as well give them something great to ogle at i.e. you looking hot.

• Talk less than the man.  And let him fill in the pauses and any uncomfortable silences.

• You’ll get asked the same questions again and again.  Accept it and smile your way through it.

• Get up in the break. If you’re not brave enough to walk around the room, at least try and stand by the bar.  Men are visual let them ‘see’ you.

• If you’re nervous, tell yourself that you just going to a networking event.  That’s all.  It’s nothing more than meeting a bunch of new people.

• I know you know, and as tempting as it is, try not to drink too much.  Again tell yourself that you’re at a new client networking event.  Dress and behave accordingly.

• Don’t hang around at the end.  Once the event has finished, hand in any paperwork, thank the hosts and leave.

• I’d love to say try and have fun.  Personally I never enjoyed these types of events but that didn’t stop me from going.  If meeting someone is important to you then grit your teeth, put your best self forward and get out there.

It'd be a pleasure to help you apply The Rules within your own dating journey.  For a private consultation please visit  wingsbowsandarrows.com

Dating shows and why we don’t talk to men first.

Over the weekend I indulged in some TV. 

I watched The Love Machine a dating show hosted by Chris Moyle’s and Stacey Solomon.  The format is simple.  In basic terms a man and woman alternate to choose a suitor from a pre-selected short list.

The show was entertaining enough although there was one fundamental flaw.  Each time the woman chose the man she broke one basic yet important Rule. 

She spoke to and picked the man first.

By choosing the man first she’s already showed her hand.  He already knows she likes him and for him the chase is over.  There’s no need for him to try and woe her.   It’s basically over.

Watching the show made me think of a friend at university. She was hot, really really hot.  All the men wanted to date her.  She could pick any man she wanted. And I mean any man she wanted.  She dated the most popular guys at university.  It was easy to see why they pursued her.  She was gorgeous.

One weekend while at university she came to visit.  She’d been dating this particular guy for two years.  She told us how he was ‘The One’ and her dreams of one day marrying him.  We were delighted. We thought he was the luckiest guy in the world. He was dating the hottest girl on campus.

We spent all weekend discussing and dissecting their relationship.   There was one problem.  He wouldn’t commit.  She told us how his family had started introducing him to other girls.  A common practise in my culture.  For us girls it was unfathomable.  How could he even allow his family to introduce him to other prospects? 

We were horrified especially as there were no obstacles in their way.  They shared the same background, religion and ethnicity.  They could have easily married.

Anyway they didn’t.

He went on to marry someone else. At the time we couldn’t work it out.

Looking back years later I now understand why he wouldn’t commit. She’d pursued him.  She’d befriended one of his flatmates in the hope of getting to know him better.  His flatmate would invite her over.  She’d visit hoping that her guy would notice her.

I recall how one night we decided to go clubbing.  Our only reason for going clubbing was because he was going to be there.  She spent ages getting ready.  Every guy from the bouncer to the bar tender was trying to talk to her, yet I recall how her guy walked right past her.  She looked amazing but he didn’t even notice her.  Towards the end of the night they finally ended up chatting and she invited him over to his place. 

They ‘got together’ that night. They dated for two years only for him to end the relationship and marry someone else.

Rules Girls - doesn’t matter how hot you are.  Really it doesn’t. 

Never pursue a man or talk to a guy first.  If he wants to date you he’ll work it out.

If you're single, dating or in a relationship and would like either a private Rules consultation or help  with online dating, speed dating and singles events please visit  wingsbowsandarrows.com

Event - Online Dating Workshop.

This month’s Tuesdays with the Rules coach event will focus on Online Dating. 

The aim of the event is to ensure you’re fully maximising online dating as a means to meeting your personal Mr Right. 

This event is suitable for anyone who is dating regardless of whether you’re currently online dating or not.  

Here’s a flavour of some of the key topics:

• How to create a winning profile.
• How to select the best pictures and which pictures to avoid.
• How to create and select a suitable screen name.
• How to respond back to his emails.
• How to weed out the time wasters and players.
• How to move the conversation on from email to phone.

Place are limited to ten only.  This is to ensure we have time to answer your individual questions.

Here are all the details you need:

When:        Tuesday 29th May 2012

Where:      Via Skype, you can find me via my Skype name which is india.kang

Time:         8pm GMT/ 1pm PDT/ 12noon PST/ 3pm UTC

Duration:  Total 60 minutes.  The session will last 40 minutes with 20 minutes for Q&A

Agenda is as follows

8.00 - Welcome, introductions and house keeping
8.00 to 8.40: Online Dating Workshop
8.40 to 9;00:  Open Q&A thank you and close

Cost:        £15 or $23 depending on exchange rate fluctuations.

Place are limited to ten only.  Sign up now by  following this link.

All feedback very welcome and you can contact me via this blog or via any of the following channels:

web: wingsbowsandarrows.com
facebook:  India Kang
Twitter: @IndKang
Skype: India.Kang

Look forward to seeing you all soon.

Yes to everything.

If you’re single and dating with a view to meeting ‘The One,’ then saying ‘yes to everything’ may seem like a great idea.

It’s not. 

The reason I say this is because I took exactly the same approach. When I was single, I decided to say yes to everything that came my way.  The rationale at the time seemed sound.  I figured saying yes would stack the dating odds in my favour.

The only problem with this approach is that not all ‘social scenarios’ are equal.  So for a time I said yes to everything.  This included family weddings and turning up to more family functions then I’d have done normally.   I'm Indian Asian and there's always somebody getting married or some type of extended family function or event.  Ordinarily I'd have stayed away but I went along to a few more than usual.

In addition I said yes to the everyday drinks, lunch, brunch and dinner invites.  I offered my plus one services to anyone who needed them.  I attended parties and events that I didn’t particularly want to be at.  My singles friends and I also arranged weekly visits to venues which we believed had a high propensity of men.

I can honestly say I never met and was never approached by anyone while doing any of the above activities.  For the most part I had a great time and caught up with friends and family which in itself was OK. 

Looking back and to be totally honest, I do feel most of my yeses were unnecessary.  In hindsight it’d have been better to say ‘yes’ to events specially aimed at singletons.  I’d have improved my chances of meeting someone who was single and whose objective was similar to mine.

Having personally said ‘yes to everything.’  My advice would be to choose your yeses carefully.  If your decision to say yes  is based on augmenting your dating chances.  Then it’s better to say yes to singles events and parties. 

Look up singles events in your area or allocate some time to try out online dating.  I know neither are particularly pleasant, but they’re your best chance of meeting other singletons.

If you'd like a private Rules consultation or  online dating advice please visit wingsbowsandarrows.com

I want to meet someone.

If you want to meet someone, only you can make it happen.

I  know it sounds simple but it's true.  There’s no point bemoaning how all your friends are coupled up if you refuse to take action.

If meeting someone matters to you, then get out there and start dating. 

If you’d like a private Rules consultation or online dating advice please visit   wingsbowsandarrows.com

Open for business – officially.

Dear readers may I officially present my new website.

It's 'live' and was designed by Lubna and her team at Neon Niche.  The website is called Wings, Bows and Arrows and is now officially open for private consultations plus a little bit more.

This is phase one of the launch and there’s lots more in the pipeline for the second phase.

To give you some background in terms of why it's called Wings Bows & Arrows.  We brainstormed various names.  The majority weren’t available.  Either the URL had already been taken or the name and our offering didn’t quite match.  And in some cases the brand name was currently already in use.  After some further research we created a shortlist and asked our friends to vote for their favourite.

Sorry to go all Advertising on you but we thought Wings Bows and Arrows clearly captured the essence of our core offering whilst allowing creative longevity i.e  we thought we could really ‘play’ with each of the individual words i.e. Wings or the Bows etc.

I really hope you like the first launch.  All feedback is very welcome.  In the meantime please do take a  look here and  naturally feel free to book a private consultation too.

Things every single girl should do.

If you’re single and looking for May Bank holiday ideas.   Glamour magazine offers 36 suggestions of what every single girl should do before settling down. 

I’ve had a read and for the most part they sound reasonable to do solo.  I wouldn't recommend number 22 'date the creeps.'  Although I would advocate duty dating i.e giving someone who wouldn't be your normal type a chance.

Have a read here. Unfortunately the pop up boxes made reading the list on the website a little annoying.  For anyone who gets impatient trying to close down the pop up advertising boxes then here’s the list.

To Build Your Confidence…

1. Go to a movie alone.

2. Lift weights. When I bench-press 45 lbs., I feel like the bomb.

3. Try surfing, water-skiing, or some activity you don’t already know how to do. Could be riding a bicycle.

4. Take out the trash, set a mousetrap, do your taxes, build a bookcase.

5. Live alone, or at least move apartments in NYC without the help of family.

6. Train for (and finish) a huge physical test like a half-marathon.

7. Go to a scary doctor’s appointment by yourself. I once dragged myself to a CAT Scan in the dead of winter, all the way over on 1st Ave., post-break-up. I felt like I had balls of steel.

8. Quit your job. It feels so good to take a job and shove it (and not be affecting anyone else’s livelihood).

9. Fly to a foreign country by yourself. I was nervous on my first solo trip to Europe, even though I almost always have to travel alone.

10. Learn to stand up for yourself. (If you’re not naturally assertive, may I recommend moving to New York City? It did wonders for me.) To Be Able to Look Back and Say “I Had Fun”…

11. Witness something once-in-a-lifetime, like Jokulsarlon, a lake next to a melting glacier in Iceland (see photo).

12. Revel in being able to watch all the reality TV you want. I’m pretty sure no man will be able to stand as much Bravo TV as my roommate Erica.

13. Get drunk during the day, just because you can. Attend Santacon, the convention for santas, or similar.

14. Go on a date with someone who actually makes you nervous.

15. Go out with an older man who takes you somewhere nice and makes you feel like a million bucks.

16. Go out with a guy who makes you laugh ‘til it hurts.

To Get Perspective…

17. Be a good wingwoman. It’s not always about you.

18. Chill with your widowed and single grandma. She knows “alone”!

19. Volunteer.

To Make You Appreciate the Next Guy…

20. Do at least one Valentine’s Day alone.

21. Attend a wedding (or 15) alone.

22. Date the creeps. You’ll really value the nice guys afterward.

To Make You Feel Sexy and Attractive…

23. Buy yourself some flowers.

24. Invest in a LBD (little black dress) and some sexy stilettos.

25. Sit at a bar by yourself and drink a martini. Cool.

26. Buy something frivolous and expensive that you LOVE wearing.

To Make the Most of Your Free Time…

27. Finish all your schooling if you can. Not that it was ever my goal to go to grad school, but I did, and it would’ve been tough dragging a guy up to isolated New Hampshire and making him sit there in the cold for two years while I studied (and partied).

28. Throw yourself into something time-consuming, like learning a foreign language. You may not have time to do this again until you retire and the kids are off to college.

To Make Yourself a Better Partner in the Future…

29. Make a list of all your faults.

30. Learn to cook well. I’m still working on this.

31. Get some hobbies. Something’s gotta keep you occupied—plus it’ll make you seem interesting.

32. Let your married friends edit your online dating profile. My dear friend Cheryl has caught a few doozies.

33. Get your finances in order.

To Appreciate Being Single…

34. Babysit someone’s baby for an hour.

35. Help a friend through her divorce or a bad break-up.

36. Host a girls-only night. I think some coupled-up women forget how much we need each other.

What went wrong?

As a Rules dating and relationship coach I find other peoples relationships fascinating, especially around how they first met.

Without a doubt the best stories are always when he chased and pursued her.  These are always great to hear because its means (whether she knows it or not) she did The Rules.  The flip side is hearing about relationships that are not so Rules-y.  These are a little harder to listen to because so often the girl is in pain.  Pain and hurt which I hasten to add is completely avoidable.

Yesterday I was reading an article in The Observer titled 'The ex-files.'  It was easy  to work out where the relationship went wrong.

The beginning was all wrong.  She initiated the relationship.  She also acted insecure and told him how much she loved him.  It should be the other way round.  She made it too easy for him and continued to do so by visiting him every weekend. 

Given all the Rules she broke,  his backing away is understandable.  They’re still good friends which is OK as long as she’s not secretly wishing them back together.   If she is then she’s wasting her time. He sounds like a great guy but  in terms of love and romance he’s a ‘Next.'   Have a read here.

Hot girl v dream girl a male perspective part II.

Dear reader’s looks like yesterday’s blog post and Mr Eligible’s email crossed in cyberspace.  I posted on the blog only to find an email from the very adorable Mr Eligible.  He’s been busy getting himself a new job which he starts in three weeks time.

Anyway below is Mr E’s follow up to the hot girl v dream girl debate.  His response shows that any man who ‘has to have you’ will find a way.  That said it’s not all one sided. We can do our part by looking our very best and being easy to be with. 

Question One:

How do men know the difference between a hot girl and your dream girl? And how do men tell the difference between the two?

Mr Eligible’s response:

I can’t speak for all men on this because we all have differing standards, tastes and outlooks on women and relationships. 

For me the hot girl is an attractive desirable girl, someone I’d look at and talk to. She would be very desirable.  That said I wouldn’t  feel like she’s someone I must have and whose affections I'd have to fight for.  

My dream girl would be the one I would fight for. I’d  also feel jealous if she were with someone else.  Now this can sound a bit creepy and scary but none of this is meant to be physically violent.  It’s just the strength of feeling with a dream girl is much greater than with a hot girl.  A lot of my best friends are hot girls but I don’t get the strong feeling of ‘must have her as my girlfriend’ that I would if I really desired them.

The test is if a mate was interested and she was hot.  Would I warn him off her or let him have her?  If she was hot and we both wanted her, I’d probably let my mate speak to her first and see how he got on.  If he got her number or went on a date I’d probably let her go

This would not happen with the dream girl.  The boys would know that I like her a lot.  And that trying to get her ahead of me would annoy me and strain our friendship.

That’s how I know and that’s how I tell the difference between the two.

Now this is me and to be honest it’s not going to be the same for other guys.  I don’t feel like I’ve ever had a problem meeting or attracting women.  It'd  take an amazing girl for me to feel like this, looking hot would never be enough. 

There are 3.5 billion women on the planet, if 0.0000001% (1 millionth of a 1%) looked like my dream girl, that'd be 350 potential girls. 

The looks would reel me in but the conversation, rapport and personality is what would make me want more and feel like I have to make her mine.  For me she would have to be easy to be with and talk to.  If this didn’t happen she would just be a smoking hot girl, who looks like my dream girl but really isn’t.

Most men can tell the difference between a hot girl and their dream girl.  For us men it’s on an instinctive level.  We can’t describe it because it’s more feeling than logic.

Question Two:                        

How would you behave and act with someone who ‘you just had to have?’

I would be charming, witty, dashing, funny, handsome etc.  Ultimately I'd be direct, not rude.  I would be pleasant, relaxed and easy going.   I’d make it clear quite quickly and quite obviously that I thought she was amazing and that she has to see me and date me.

I would also be persistent, which would seem annoying, but that’s the game baby!  A dude likes a girl and has to ask her out three or four times before she says yes.  It’s been that way since we started finding other people attractive at school and we all know it! 

The dream girl would know that I liked her a lot because I would tell her and show her.  She’d always know because everything I did and said would point to the fact that I really liked her.  Cards, flowers, gifts, consideration, gratitude, and patience it would all come out.

It has to. 

She’s my dream girl and as I said in the previous question she would be amazing.

I don’t ask for much…