‘Wish-Smithing’ - Guest Post by Pink Pavement.

The below is a guest post by my friend and fellow Rules Girl.  Her pen name is Pink Pavement.

She  incidentally did The Rules on her incredibly talented and wonderful beau and has the ring.  They met online and married earlier this year. We both really hope the post inspires you to create your own wish list.  

Here's the guest post.

Wishes don’t always come true, but when they are not made their chances are even slimmer.

When I moved to London it was my fifth city in eight years. I left an exciting career trail across both coasts of the US, China, and two European countries, but my personal life left a lot to be desired.

As many other “realistic” and “independent” 30-something singletons, I was starting to make lists of reasons why life alone might just be the thing for me.

I make lists all the time. Often they simply directed me to the carrots at the supermarket, essentially immunising me from forgetting what I’m supposed to be doing. But other times they direct me to my innermost wishes.

I got into the habit of “wish-smithing” while hanging out in the kitchen while my mum cooked. She would say: “Tell me what you want to be five year from now,” and whatever my answers she’d encourage me to write them down. There is power to committing wishes to paper.

I recently rediscovered a list I had committed to my iphone’s notes in 2009, that first year in London. It begins with “go to yoga”,“ do nails”, “get into work early,” but then switches to an ambitious view of the future: “find love, spring 2010; be sure, summer 2011; married, spring or summer 2012...” then switching back to “organise and clean up laptop, USB, and external drive.”

I remember thinking that these sandwiched wishes were unlikely to come true. I felt embarrassed by my own true wishes. I used the phrase “to be embarrassingly honest”. I had often listed what I wanted from my ideal partner, but I hadn’t indulged in this kind of specific outrageous fantasy.

However unrealistic and however forgotten this wish list became, I was shocked to see that it has come true, with months to spare. Actually our wedding appears to have been a year ahead of schedule.

In my advertising role, where I had the fortune to befriend India Kang, my responsibility often revolves around convincing clients and creative teams to commit to measurable, specific, and ambitious goals. Too often our wishes are “realistic.” We seem to blush at our own true wishes.

Maybe we are afraid of disappointment. Maybe we feel that a wish not coming true is an even bigger blow to our pride than if we never wished it really. We say “I’m not asking for a lot, just...” The danger is that sometimes we get exactly what we wish for, and nothing more.

So if there is 'magic' to wish-making, then the three criteria I would suggest for due diligence are:

1) Embarrassingly honest clarity of purpose

2) Ambitious

3) Specific and measurable

Dare to wish for all of what you want this New Year’s.

Happy wish-smithing and happy 2012!

I’m Only Talking to You.

The Chess Game, by Sofonisba Anguissola 1555.

I’ve heard this lots.

Men claiming you’re the only person they’re talking too. 

I don’t blame them for saying this.  They’re probably telling us what they think we want to hear. It doesn’t make them bad. Men aren’t bad if you raise your standards and refuse to accept anything less than you deserve.

That’s said it’s not true

I know it’s not because on several occasions, I’ve logged on to respond back to online dating emails to see their names appear within the  ‘whose online now’ Instant Messager functionality. 

Pre-Rules I’d have what we Rules Girl call ‘Pretzel Brain Twisted.’   Translated this means  getting yourself into a right old tizz.  I’d have obsessed over what this meant, what this didn’t mean.  I’d have talked to all my girlfriends, brothers and male friends in an endeavour to understand whether this guy was into me.  Seriously all this energy and drama after one or two dates with some guy is never a good look.  But I've done it and looking back it's rather embarrassing.

Now the landscape looks completely different.  I hear the ‘you’re the only person I’m talking to’ line.  I never believe them.  Best to just smile when they say this.  And when I see their names appear in the chat functionality I think :

‘Excellent, hope you’re having fun taking to lots and lots of non Rules Girls.’

The fact is until you’re exclusive and you’ve both taken down your online dating profile, until then you’re both fair game to date others.  

On that note I wholly advocate multi–dating.  It’s so healthy and such a positive thing to do.  If you’re not already doing it.  Now is a very good time to start.

The Macho Shots.

Anyone online dating will know what I mean. 

It’s when men post pictures of themselves undertaking some extraordinary feat of endurance or some other testosterone fuelled activity such as:

1. A sporting activity e.g. running, rowing, cycling, fencing
2. Jumping out of a plane
3. Skiing complete with ski gear and goggles so we have no idea what they actually look like
4. Driving in their cars
5. The ubiquitous shot of them standing next to an expensive looking flash car
6. The other ubiquitous shot of them coming out of the sea in their trunks.
7. Photos with their tops off.  No doubt 6 and 7 are to show off their toned upper bodies.

I get it.  It's all to do with showing off their  male prowess, strength and masculinity.

That said all we want to see are two decent, recent photos.  Preferable ones void of sunglasses, helmets, goggles and hats. Or photos where they’ve cropped out the girl standing next to them.

It’d be so much easier for everyone if we could actually see what you looked like.  And if we knew you looked like your profile picture.  We’d save time all round. 

Go on guys and girls for that matter, if you’re reading this why not make a new year’s resolution to make it easy for everyone concerned and update your profile pictures.

To Text or Not To Text.

I’ve been asked this question so much I thought I’d try and answer some of your questions within a blog post.  I figured it’d be more efficient.  Plus this way more of you get to read the response.    

The majority of your questions are based around whether I personally text or not.  Thought I’d show you with real live examples. 

Hopefully you can see which texts are worthy of a response and which can be ignored.

Q: Do I text?

A: Generally no but yes I have based on the examples below. Remember you can text back if the guy asks you out via text.  It doesn’t matter how they ask you out email/call/text.  The point is as long as they are trying to take you out and providing they’re giving you three days notice.  In these cases it’s OK to text back. 

Here are some live examples of when I’ve texted back.

Guy one:  This guy has been trying to get hold of me for about three weeks. He wrote a couple of texts which I ignored. I’ve missed his call so many times (always unintentionally) that the other day he sent the following text:

I waited four hours and texted back with:

Guy two: This guy has been trying to get me out on a last minute date for weeks.  I keep turning him down.  He wrote the following text just before Christmas.

In this instance I waited twenty four hours and texted back the following.

Q: Why haven’t I removed texting from my phone plan?

A: I’ve tried.  I went along to my local mobile shop and asked for a phone plan with no texts.  They said it wasn’t possible.   This was about ten months ago.  Since then I’ve had so much practise applying The Rules that its easy to ignore texts.  If you can’t ignore texts then the best thing to do is delete and pretend you never received them in the first place. This is something I did when I started learning The Rules.  I’d delete the text and say to myself.  ‘What text, there was no text.’

Q: What does it mean to respond to one in every four texts?

A: Some girls have a problem with not responding to texts.  In this case you can respond to one in every four of his texts.  Make sure you wait twenty four hours or at least space out your responses. 

Q: Why do men text and not call?

A: It’s easier and requires less effort.  Most humans take the path of least resistance.  We’re hard wired to look for the simplest and quickest way to achieve a task.  It’s the same with men and dating.  They’ll try it, they all do.  There’s no use lambasting them.  Instead ignore their texts.  Men are smart.  Seriously men are not stupid.  The interested ones always work it out and start calling.

Q: Which texts do I ignore?

A: Not all texts are equal.  Many are what I call ‘nothingness’ texts.  Here are some examples of what I mean.

Example one:

Example two:

All  these types of texts can be safely ignored.   This isn’t scientifically proven and it’s only my point of view, but I feel most people and not just men tend to text when they’re bored.  You don’t want to be his distraction when he’s bored.  You want to be his ‘prize.’  Someone he’s had to work at pinning down.  Don’t spoil the chase for him by always being available via text.  Leave him to work out how to conquer you.

Q: What happens if you ignore their texts?

A: In my experience when you ignore their texts and providing they’re interested in the first place, they’ll call.  Honestly hand on heart they will.  It won’t be straight away and sometimes it may take a week or two but they will call.

Q:  Won’t he get annoyed if he sees me texting other people?

A: When you first start dating, don’t take your phone out of your bag.  Don’t take any calls or answer any texts while you’re out on a date with him.  Once you’re exclusive you can relax a little.  By then hopefully you’ll know each other much better.  If he comments about how come you’re started texting. Then say something like

‘Oh you know thought I'd just try it out.’ 

Remember even once you’re exclusive there should be limits to your texting.  You don’t want to undo all your hard work by suddenly becoming readily available.

I hope the above helps answer some of your questions.  Vanessa Taylor in her book Text, Love, Power does a great job of explaining texting a la The Rules in more detail.  I’m a big fan of her book and recommend every one read it alongside The Rules.

Social Conditioning.

Last night I was talking with my niece.

‘I’m not going to be like you’ she said. i.e. late 30’s, single with no children.

‘No’ she continued to say

 ‘I’m going to get married at twenty six. And I’m going to have three children by the time I’m thirty.’ 

My niece has just turned fifteen. 

I didn’t say anything to her.  There’s little  point taking any of her comments to heart.  She’s only a teenager. 

I recall a similar incident when I was about the same age.   My neighbours’ sister was visiting.  My neighbour popped over to introduce her sister. They were trying to find a suitor for her.  As such they were doing the rounds to see if anyone knew of a suitable boy. She was twenty three and recently divorced.  I was about fourteen or fifteen.

We were all sat on the sofa drinking Indian tea (chai) and eating samosa’s. I had no idea she was divorced because her husband used to beat her.  I was aware about the purpose of their visit, so I turned to my neighbour’s sister and recall saying

‘How come you’re twenty three and not even married yet?’ 

I remember the room falling completely silent. I was too young to understand the pain my comments must have caused.  Yet I've never forgotten the look on her face.  Over twenty years later and I can still see it now.  She sat there motionless trying to hold back the tears.  It must have been hard for her all those years ago to be so young and divorced.  The last thing she needed while out on a ‘suitor hunt,’ was for some kid who knew nothing about nothing to make smart alec comments.

She never said anything to me.  I guess like me with my niece she figured I was only a child.

In my culture we’re all conditioned from a young age to think marriage and children by a certain age is the way to go.  Any deviations from the path and you’re deemed a failure.

For that reason I really don’t blame my niece for her comments. 

Here’s hoping ALL my nieces  dreams and wishes come true.

Marriage - The Only Success Criteria.

Yesterday I didn’t manage to run away. 

I got caught between my Father saying:

‘By now you should be married with two kids.’  

Followed by:

'Since you're not married I can't judge how good you are compared to your brothers.' 

And with all three of my brothers chiming in with ‘leave her alone, she’s doing alright.’

To translate, my Fathers comment means 'you're not married so everything else is insignificant.' 

No, clearly nothing is comparable to being married.  I know he means well but it does start to grate a little. Rather amusingly he said he was going to start his own 'book.'  He means blog. He calls this blog a book. 

The next time we’re all getting together is for my brothers fortieth  birthday in February.   The time period between then and now is only six weeks. Far too short to  meet and get exclusive with any guy.  Which means my single status will remain the same. Even if I do meet someone it's highly unlikely I'll tell him.  I won't be telling him until I'm absolutely sure.

Guess I'll just have to brace myself for more of the same.

The Only Singleton on Christmas Day.

Obviously I’m not the only single person in the whole wide world.  But I am in my family. I have three brothers all of whom are married. I’ve been the only single person (excluding children) in my family for a number of years. Nine years in total. 

Coming ‘home’ for Christmas straight after my divorce was particularly hard and painful.  Hard because I wasn’t supposed to be there.  I should have been spending it with my husband and his family.

But I wasn’t. I was back ‘home.’

Divorce is so stigmatised in my culture that everyone looks at you with a deep sorrow. It’s almost like your life should be over.  You’re not expected to laugh or feel joyful.  Goodness no you’re divorced.  You’re no longer entitled to be happy either. You’re expected to wear a mournful demeanour at all times.  I was only 29 at the time and remember feeling like I’d killed someone.  This feeling is double compounded by your entire family pitifully asking if ‘you’re ok.’  I.e. you’re not supposed to be ok, you’re divorced.

I wasn’t OK for about two years after my divorce. Even when I tried to be, my extended family either through looks or comments would constantly breathe fire into my status as a divorced Indian woman.

Anyway I am very OK now. I’m OK because I had the courage to fight against my cultures non sensical outdated traditions.  I’m OK because I’d rather be divorced and stigmatised than live a lie and stay in an unhappy marriage. 

I’m no longer bothered about being the only single person in the family.  I don’t feel like a non person for being single.  My worth isn’t calculated by whom I’m married to or whether I fit into any cultural norms.

That said it deeply bothers my Father.  There’s nothing I can do that I’m not already doing to find ‘My Guy.’  It’s not like I’m not trying. My strategy in response to his ‘why are you still single?’ and ‘why haven’t you met anyone yet?’ is avoidance.

Yes that’s right dear readers.  I’m planning on running away from my Father each and every time he asks any single/suitor/marriage questions.  Not terribly grown up I know but I’ve exhausted all other scenarios. Anyway it’s easier.  He’ll just have to try and catch me first.  I’m also really hoping he drinks one too many at lunch and simply forgets to ask. 

With that may I wish everyone celebrating today a very Merry Christmas and may I wish everyone else very happy holidays. 

Another Incredible Woman Who Needs The Rules.

I read this article and once again couldn’t help thinking ‘If only this lady did The Rules.’ She’d never think anything was ever ‘her fault.’  She’d always be in control. And she'd never have to call or text men either.

The reason every guy she's ever dated or lived with has gone straight from her to the mother of his children/wife - is because at some point she stopped being 'the prize.'

For the record I absolutely want ‘My Guy’ to treat me like a lady.

There's nothing wrong with wanting to be treated with respect and care.

Of course we can help them by starting to treat ourselves in the way we want to be treated. Have a read here.

Slow It Down.

When you start dating or begin the journey of getting to know someone, don’t rush or try to speed up the process.  It’ll only backfire.

Remember a house needs solid foundations if it’s to stand firm.  And a project needs proper planning if it’s to be successfully executed.

Resist the temptation to try and move things along. 

Instead take your time. 

The most important 'work' is always at the beginning.

Dear Agony Aunt.

While I respect the dating advice given in this  Dear Agony Aunt column. My advice to the lady who has written in would be The Rules. 

In particular:

• End all dates first
• Don’t see him more than two times a week at the beginning
• No more than casual kissing for the first few dates
• End all calls after 10mins
• Don’t accept last minute dates
• Multiple date
• Let him take the lead
• Most importantly cultivate being a CUAO (Creature Unlike Any Other)

The Rules remove any worry, angst or anxiety associated with dating.  You always know where you stand with a man. 

You know because they’re either trying to pin you down for another date or not. 

Have a read here.

The Ones That Got Away.

When I first staring doing The Rules, I was convinced some suitors got away because of The Rules.  They couldn’t keep up with The Rules rigour.   I blamed The Rules.  I was adamant The Rules drove them away.

Now that I'm fully versed in The Rules, I've since recalled the odd guy or two who got away because I didn’t do The Rules.  You know what I'm talking about dear readers.  The one's we were never interested in.  They would keep pursing and we'd flick them away. Suddenly something changes and we start getting keen.  Of course as soon as we get keen they run away.  We can't work it out and start boring absolutely anyone and everyone who will listen.

If only I'd known about The Rules earlier then there is absolutely no way they'd have gotten away. 

Guess it all evens out in the end.

Balancing the Opposites.



My place of work in Knightbridge.



Advertising is my day job.  

Within the industry we’re called ‘suits.’  We’re the account handlers.  Not ‘accounts’ as in Finance or Accounting but account as in brands e.g. T-Mobile, Diageo, Cisco etc.  

Having working in global ad agencies for a number of years, I’ve had the privilege of working across many diverse brands. I’ve also worked client side.  I spend a year at Cisco working on their PR and social media across EMEA.

I’ve seen things from both ends.  And I can honestly say that the agency and client remit is so different.  Often clients have little or no understanding of Advertising.  Similarly agency folk don’t always appreciate the issues facing the clients business.

Yet we’re both expected to work together to deliver world class campaigns.  Campaigns that are cut through, deliver value and if we’re lucky win an award or two. 

On so many occasions I am amazed, if not truly astounded as to how we ever manage to get anything out the door.   We’re just so different, we think and speak differently, we even dress differently.  

As a ‘suit’ I get to manage the complex web of creatives, planners, clients, various stakeholders dotted across different cultures and time zones, egos, personalities and politics.  All of this whilst trying not to wind anyone up.  And ensuring everyone’s thoughts which are always contradictory and often sent at the eleventh hour have been considered. 

Suffice to say the job requires diplomacy, insight, tact and the most important asset - a smile.  Don’t ask me why but a smile makes everything easier.

Not so different to men v women, dating and relationships then.

Being Poked on Facebook.

I’m pretty sure we've all at some point come across this scenario.

I hope the following Q&A helps answer your questions.

Q: What does it mean when some random guy pokes you on facebook?

A: Nothing

Q: What should I do?

A: Nothing

Q: What should I do if he continues to poke?

A: Nothing

Nothing plus nothing equals nothing. 

You know what to do.

Nothing.

What if He Thinks I’m Not Interested Part II.

As a Rules coach I hear this the whole time. 

Clients afraid to do The Rules in case 'he' perceives their silence as dis-interest. 

I tell them not to worry.  

Any guy who is interested will always get back in touch.

Here are a couple of live examples to validate this advice:

Guy one:

He emailed. I didn’t even get around to responding when he emailed again. Just to note I've cropped out all personal sensitive information.

First Email:

Second Email:

Guy two:

He emailed. I missed his first email.  It wasn't intentional I didn’t see it.  It didn’t matter because he just emailed again.  (Unfortunately the website deletes all messages after a certain period of time and I didn't save his first note.)  I saved his second note and here it is:

My advice eliminate the fear.  And simply trust in the natural order of all things dating.

The interested one will always get back in touch.

Don’t Answer Men’s Ads or E-mail Them First.

This is the first Rule for online dating.

‘But’.. I hear you say.

‘If I don’t answer ads then no one will contact me.’   

Yes they will. 

And to prove it, here are my stats from one online dating site.  I’ll upload the stats from the other dating sites within separate blog posts.

The results under the sub head Total Members you expressed interest in are all zeros i.e I’ve never made the first contact.  Neither have I ever emailed any guy first. Or added anyone to my favourites ever.

All I've ever done is to be passively active and to  practise what I preach.

The One Word Email.

Today I logged on to check what was happening online. I received several one word emails and these were only from one site.

Here are a few:

Every single one of them were deleted.   

I imagine the thought process as follows:

• I won’t make too much effort just in case she isn’t interested
• I’ll just say ‘hi’ she can always email back if she’s interested
• I’ll just email as many people as possible and see what comes back.  After all everyone knows dating is a numbers game.

Wrong.

I sincerely believe most people don’t know how to online dating.  I also know from personal experience anyone interested in your profile will take the time to read your profile and write a proper note. 

A well written personalised note will get our attention any day.  One word emails are just clutter and a complete waste of time. 

We can see through them.  Really we can. 

Making Them Work for Your Number.

This is how.

Give them what I call the ‘chivalry line.’ 

To date I’ve used this approach on four separate occasions.   And  it’s always worked.   Up until about a year I'd  have been too fearful to even contemplate this tactic. Luckily my many months of Rules practise have eradicated any such apprehensions.

Rather than lots of narrative, it’s probably easier to show you with real live email examples.

This is how it works.

Step One -  Guy writes email, includes his contact details but doesn’t ask for yours.  Anyone online dating will be very familiar with this scenario. (N.B I've cropped out all personal details).

Step Two - You can just give them your number.  Or you can write the following which is what I do:

Step Three - He responds:

Step Four - My response back:

Step Five - His note back:

Et voila, result.

Young Professional Seeks Girlfriend Only For The Holidays.

Here’s something amusing.

Yesterday a friend emailed an ad which was recently posted in the Craigslist ‘personals’ section by a young finance professional.

It’s entertaining if nothing else and I admire the author’s quirky sense of humour. I don’t think I’ll be replying although it’d be interesting to see how many responses he got.

Have a read here.

The Sonia Deol Show.

This morning I was invited as a guest on the BBC Asian Network Sonia Deol show.

Sonia Deol the presenter was really warm in person. She put me at ease straightaway and her team Deena and Samina were awesome. Best of all I’ve been invited back in the New Year.

For anyone who missed the interview.  Have a listen here. I start at the 1 hour 25 min mark.

The Way it’s Done Around Here.

Yesterday afternoon while getting my nails done, the manicurist and I started talking dating and The Rules. 

The manicurist of Arab descent said in her culture men know to pay for dates.  She said that men pay for everything throughout the entire courtship period.  It’s up to the woman’s discretion whether she decides to contribute or not.  In return the woman gracefully receives and never asks for more than the man can provide.

She said there is never any un-comfortableness when it comes to paying.  In her culture they all know the way things are done. 

I wouldn’t mind some of the same within my own culture.