Rules Eleven to Twenty.

Following on from  Rules # 6 to 10.

Here are Rules #11 to 20.

Rule #11 – How to Act on Dates 4 through Commitment Time.

Rule #12 – Always End the Date First.

Rule #13 – Show Up Even If You Don’t Feel Like it.

Rule #14 – Long Distance Relationships. Part I.

Rule #15 – Long Distance Relationships. Part II.

Rule #16 – Stop Dating Him If He Doesn’t Buy You a Romantic Gift For Your Birthday or Valentine’s Day.

Rule #17 – Don’t Go Overboard and Other Rules for Giving To Men.

Rule #18 – Don’t See Him More Than Once or Twice a Week.

Rule #19 – No More than Casual Kissing on the First Date.

Rule #20 – Don’t Rush Into Sex and Other Rules for Intimacy.

Just Do The Things You Enjoy.

My friend Jill is constantly telling me not to focus on dating per se. 

Instead, the focus should be on going out  and doing all the things that we enjoy.  I understand where she’s coming from, really I do. 

The ‘simply do want you enjoy’ breaks down a little; in that over the past few years this is all I’ve ever done.  Properly dating has only been a focus for a little over a year. 

Before then it was never top of mind.  And somewhat naively I always thought ‘it would just happen.’  Really I did. I figured that since I work, go out plenty, have enough family and friends, surely ‘he’ would just appear.

This week for example, only one day has been dedicated to dating.  This was Tuesday when I stayed in and logged on to the online dating sites.  The rest of week was as follows:

• Monday my friend Tor and I went to watch Bruno Mars in concert.
• Wednesday I went to a work networking thingy, met my friend Lou for lunch before heading to the Temple to partake in Diwali (Festival of Lights) celebrations. 
• Last night a couple of friends and I went to watch Graham Norton (a comedian) followed by dinner. 
• Tonight I have a date with ‘I Give up Guy.’ (More on him later.) 
• Tomorrow it’s my friend Nuna’s birthday. A group of us, who incidentally (with the exception of one) are all single, will be heading into Soho to help her celebrate. 

Simply focusing on all the things you enjoy doesn’t always work.  Sometimes it does, and for all those who have been lucky to find their significant others this way, I not only salute you, I double triple salute you. 

Dating demands time, energy and effort. In my opinion it needs to be treated with respect and requires the same focus as every other part of your life. 

If I may be bold enough to say - don’t just leave it to chance, get a plan, get active and get on it.

Come on 'my guy.'

If The Rules are So Great How Come you’re Still Single?

Great question and one that I’ve been asked a few times over the last couple of days.

Here’s my response:

The Rules allow you to date with complete dignity and confidence.  What this means in practise is that:

• You’ll never ever obsess over any man, regardless of how hot he is.
• You’ll never worry about why he didn’t call.
• You’ll never ask yourself whether he’s interested in you.  If you’re doing The Rules then he’d have made the first move.  This action alone tells you all you need to know.
• You’ll never waste time with a guy who isn’t committed to you.
• You never fantasise over him either, his actions speaks volumes.
• Most importantly you’ll never in a million years question your own self worth.  I.e.  Maybe he’d like me more if I was prettier, skinner, taller, shorter, earned more money etc

There’s no need to pollute your mind with any such nonsense.  If you’re doing The Rules, you know that if he’s not contacting and trying to take you out then ‘he’s just not that into you.’   That’s it.  Over.  Next.

The Rules are not about dating and marrying the first guy who happens to respond to The Rules. Neither are they about leading men on.  Rather The Rules are about finding your very own personal Mr Right.

For every guy that responds positively there are probably three or four that don’t.  That’s OK and that’s the way it should be.

There are multiple reasons why they didn't get in touch.  Maybe they’re still in a relationship. Maybe they’re not after anything serious. Or maybe they’re just bored and looking for a partner in crime while they figure things out. 

Leave them to it.

Our job isn’t to obsess over these men.  Our job is to focus on ourselves and get dating.

Do The Rules work?

Yes, they work in so many ways and on so many levels.

How come I'm still single?

So far no-one has been my personal Mr Right.  My job while he’s working it out is to get on with it.

Happy Diwali.

Diwali candles in the Temple.

Today is Diwali, which is the festival of lights. 

I took offerings to the Temple and lit candles for all of us.

May each and every one of us find exactly what we’re searching for.

Happy Diwali everyone.

Online Screen Names Best Avoided.

The online dating screen name gives so much away. 

Here are a few more which are probably best avoided:

- Chanceonu

- Badboyinc7

- Codenamewolverine

- Limitless

- Tiger

- Fun2bwith

- Sugardaddy_1972

- Enchante_one

- Dreamer dreamer

- Your_Groom

- Yobaby

- M2cool

- Romeo_must_live

- Summerxmas

Remember the good ones usually just use their names.

Why Does No One Ever Respond Back?

Of course we don’t and we’re not going to either.  It’s no surprise why many emails sent via dating sites get left unanswered. 

Yesterday I logged onto the various online dating sites to find yet more form letters.  The guy who emailed the below note had no pictures, the words he used to describe himself were as follows:

This was his note:

 N.B:  I've cropped out any personal details.

There’s really no mystery.  

The reason we don’t respond back is because in the vast majority of cases :

• There’s no pictures uploaded.  Or if there are, these are invariably all macho shots and honestly guys we’re not interested in your macho achievements.  We just want to see a couple of decent up to date pictures.

• You have a dodgy screen name or talk about ‘having fun,’ or ‘not looking for anything serious,’ which makes anyone seriously searching want to run for the hills.

• You email us a generic cut and paste email which we know you’re sending to everyone.   You probably haven't  even read our profiles. 

• Finally we don't believe anyone who says ‘I’m new to all this' ’or ‘you’re the only person that I’ve emailed/called/texted.’   We know it’s  a complete load of baloney.

Peanuts in will always equal peanuts out.

Dating Treadmill.

This morning I woke in a not so great mood.  

It must have been noticeable as my flatmate Emma stopped in the hallway to ask ‘what was up?’

It was hard to pinpoint.

Maybe it’s too much sleep. You know the feeling when oversleep leaves you feeling lack lustre.

In my head I ran through and eliminated the usual suspects:

 - I’m not hung over.

-  I’m not tired as I went to bed at a decent time.

-  It’s not too much sleep either.

-  I’m getting enough exercise.

It’s none of the above. 

Rather it’s this sense that no matter what I do; I’m still in exactly the same spot.  A little like a diet when you’re doing all the right things, only to discover that you’re exactly the same weight or worse still have gained a pound.

Unfortunately dating isn’t as methodical as dieting. You know that eating less and exercising more will result in weight lose.  The same formula doesn’t work for dating I.e. online dating + singles events + getting yourself out there doesn’t necessarily equal results.

There really seems to be no direct correlation between effort and results.  Maybe results are dependent on the ‘type’ of effort.  Perhaps all my effort so far has been ‘wrong effort’. If so maybe someone can advise what  ‘good dating effort’ looks like.

At the moment it all feels a little like pot luck. Although I’m not happy to accept that theory either. Granted fate and destiny are yet to step in.  Either they’re just slow or they’re both on a permanent vacation.

Anyway it’s Friday which means no more dating activity until Sunday afternoon.  Just as well as I’m a little out of dating juice.

Where Are All the Single Men?

Sid Wills who runs some of the club runs.

It’s a question many of us have pondered.  And one that is often the topic of many conversations.  Where are they?  Where do they hang out?  What do they do?

Last night I went running with the Serpentine running club.  Wednesday evenings are club runs. We normally run around Hyde Park and  St James Park before heading out for post run drinks.

If anyone fancies joining a London based running club, then head to the Seymour Centre in Edgware Road on a Wednesday. 

Yesterday I arrived a little early and took the opportunity to talk to Sid Wills. Sid is an active club member who leads some of the club runs. I was congratulating him on his recent Olympic torch bearer nomination when we started talking boys.

Sid said that the Serpentine running club boasts many marriages. Apparently many members have met their significant others via the club. I know this is true because I got talking to one such member.  He met all three of his past girlfriends via the club, including his current girlfriend who he happily reported as being ‘The One.’ 

There were indeed plenty of boys running last night.  My friend Sam and I remarked on the numbers out in force. We attributed it to the delights of running in the autumnal evening air.

Sods law but I’m yet to have one date via the running club.  Although never say never.

For details of The Serpentine running club log onto  - serpentine.org.uk

Rules Six to Ten.

Following on from the first five Rules (Please see blog post titled  The First Five Rules ‘dated 30^th August 2011)

Here are the next five.

Rule #6 – Always End Phone Calls First.

Rule #7 – If He Doesn’t Call, He’s Not That Interested. Period!

Rule #8 – Don’t Accept a Saturday Night Date After Wednesday.

Rule #9 – Fill Up Your Time before the Date.

Rule #10 - How to Act on Dates 1, 2 and 3. (More on this later).

At Least They’re Trying Part II.

Yesterday afternoon I logged onto the various online dating sites to check this weekends catch.

Ordinarily this task is undertaken with a heavy dose of despair and malaise.  The catch is usually disappointing and each Sunday I’m reminded of how laborious urban dating can be. 

The other day my friend and fellow Rules Girl K wrote a note. In her note she took the viewpoint that everyone; even the supposed ‘losers,’ deserve the right to be happy.  (Please see earlier blog post titled ‘At least they’re trying,’ dated 14^th October 2011).

I liked her way of thinking.  And rather than feeling disheartened at the thought of reading more profiles.  Looking through more bad pictures of men either posing next to their cars, with their children, in hats and sunglasses or on a night out with the girl standing next to them conveniently cropped out.  I decided to give gratitude. 

At least men were interested in my profile.  It was with this alternative attitude that I logged on. Each one was silently thanked for looking at my profile.  And each bad picture of them driving in their cars, blowing out candles at some children’s party, or posing with their shirts half open to reveal lots of bling jewellery was conveniently overlooked.

All those who winked, waved or added me as favourite etc. were automatically thrown back to sea.  The majority of those that had written including the note below were also rejected.

Men sending one word emails.

I know they’re trying but is there any chance of maybe trying a little harder.  One word emails with ‘Hi’ and the subject box left blank is hardly worth the effort.  It wouldn’t take much, really it wouldn’t and it would save everyone so much time.

A well written note no matter how short accompanied with a couple of decent photos saves time all round.  It’ll get our attention any day and just makes the online dating process slightly more bearable.

Why We All Search for Our Soulmates.

In Greek mythology and in Plato’s Symposium, Aristophanes one of the seven present at the Symposium or drinking party explains why people in love say they feel "whole" on finding their love partner.

According to Aristophanes, in primal times people had doubled bodies, with faces and limbs turned away from one another.  These creatures wheeled around like clowns doing cartwheels and were very powerful. There were three sexes: the all male, the all female, and the "androgynous," which was half male, half female. The males were said to have descended from the sun, the females from the earth and the androgynous couples from the moon.

The creatures tried to scale the heights of heaven and planned to set upon the gods. Zeus thought about blasting them to death with thunderbolts, but did not want to deprive himself of their devotions and offerings.  Instead he decided to cripple them by chopping them in half, in effect separating the two bodies.

Zeus then commanded Apollo to turn their faces around and pulled the skin tight and stitched it up to form the navel which he chose not to heal so Man would always be reminded of this event.

Ever since that time, people run around saying they are looking for their other half because we are really trying to recover our primal nature.

Aristophanes claims that when two people who were separated from each other find each other (their soulmates), they never again want to be separated. 

Now we're all destined to find our other halves, our soulmates, to reunite and rejoin.

Source: Wikipedia.

Kindle users can download the full text for free via amazon.com

Taking Matters into Our Own Hands.

Helen my neighbour is on the left and Emma on the right.

Last night my neighbour Helen, flatmate Emma and I all had dinner.

We stayed up late and discussed (amongst many things) why there are always more girls than boys at singles events.

It may be a demographic thing i.e. maybe there are just more single females than males.  Or whether men (the good ones)  just don’t do singles events. 

Either way we’ve decided to take matters into our own hands and organise our own soiree.

The idea is simple.  Everyone we invite has to bring along a single person albeit of the opposite sex.  There are only two criteria’s.  We all have to be single and over 30.

We figured organising our own soiree can’t hurt.  And anyway most singles events seem to be a little hit and miss.  Then there’s all the standing around trying to look cool while silently wishing you weren’t there. 

Even if we don’t meet anyone at least we’ve caught up with our friends. 

At Least They’re Trying.

Today my lovely friend K and fellow Rules Girl sent a note. 

She’s following the blog and responded to the blogpost titled 'State of the Nations Single Male Population,' dated 13th October 2011.'  Here's her note:

‘I know it's frustrating.  But I feel it's a good idea to regard the state of the nation's single men as full of possibilities... kind of like the state of the nation's single women. Some know the dating game.  Others are beginners.  Almost everyone is tired, a little heartsick, lonely, and bound to make lots of mistakes. Also everyone, even the ones who appear to be losers, deserve to meet their right match and be happy.’

She’s absolutely right. 

And no matter how many emails/texts/calls/dates I have to go through. I’ll try my best to remember that each of us deserves to find our personal Mr/Mrs Right.

P.s I asked her permission before posting her note.

State of the Nations Single Male Population.

The nation’s pool of single men leaves much to be desired. 

The good ones do exist albeit are very few and far between. 

To put things into perspective; these are supposedly professional single men in their late 30’s and early 40’s.  Many have never been married, others are divorced or separated and some even have children. 

I know men and women are completely different.  Each with their own Martian and Venusian tendencies.  And I’m not purporting to dismiss the various differences between the sexes.

However you’d have thought men capable of arranging a simple date with the opposite sex. The task is easy and requires no more than a few basic steps:

a) make contact, b) ask for number/email, c) invite out for drink, d) arrive on time, e) have drink and say goodbye.

It’s not like men have never spoken to females before. They all have mothers.  Presumably some have sisters, aunts, nieces and cousins.  I’m guessing the majority in whatever capacity have also had at least one previous relationship. 

The other day I received an email from this guy.  This is his fourth.  The only problem is that he’s sent the same email on all four occasions.  Here are his emails.

Email one sent 7th June 2011.

Email two sent 14th August 2011.

Email three sent 11th September 2011.

Email four sent 2nd October 2011.

I never responded to any of them.  There was no need.  His notes are all generic cut and paste.  He clearly blanket mails the same note to every girl and waits to see who comes back.

It gets worse.

We'd actually also met face to face  at a  speed dating event back in August.  Here are my notes from that speed dating event.  He is number five, circled in red, name Raj as per his emails above.  (Excuse my handwriting, I know it’s appalling). 

Speed dating notes.

He’s forgotten everything.

Alas dear readers; may the dating gods look down on us singletons favourably and may they sprinkle us with some dating dust.  

Come On My Guy Part II.

Come on ‘my guy.’

Cooommmmeeee on.

Any chance you can sort it out please.

I don’t know whether you’re one of the two on my current shortlist, or whether we’re yet to meet.

Whichever way there’s still plenty for us to do.  You have to initiate contact (unless you have already) and I have to give you The Rules.  

All this waiting around has meant that I’ve become abit of a pro when it comes to
The Rules.  Every cloud and all that. 

And yes you’ll be getting The Rules bootcamp.  I have no problem in waiting days and sometimes longer before responding.  I also don’t care how many missed calls  you leave.  I’m still not going to call you back.  Don’t even think about sending silly texts or Instant Messaging, trust me it ain’t gonna happen.

See, there’s a lot to do and get through before we can even start meeting friends and family, talking future plans etc.

Can you pull your finger out and get on it.

Thank you.

One Whole Year of Dating The Rules Way.

Today marks one year of dating using the techniques in The Rulesbook. 

Today also marks the blogs first birthday.  In true one year milestoney fashion - here’s a roundup of twelve months worth of dating-isms.

On The Rules.

1. The Rules work providing you have the patience, self restraint, persistence, courage and fearless faith to apply them.

2. The Rules are the only way to date with confidence, self respect and dignity.

3. Everyone should multiple date.

4. Yes he will call, providing he was interested in the first place.

5.The interested ones won’t let a missed call/text or email get in the way. They will always find a way to track you down.  Allow them however much time they need to figure it out.

6. Men are truly intrigued by Rules Girls.  They can’t work us out. 

7. Never calling a man is easy but takes practise.  Just tell yourself again and again that you don’t call men.  Very soon calling a man becomes so alien that you’ll never

do it.

8. We are more than worth the wait.

9. Practise, practise practise and then practise some more on perfecting The Rules.

10.Rules Girls totally rock.

On Men.

1. The state of the nation’s single male population is dire.

2. Most men are late for dates.  Expect to wait between thirty to forty minutes.  Waiting for your dates allows plenty of reading time. Now is a very good time to invest in
a Kindle.

3. Most men arrive without a plan and look nothing like their profile pictures.

4. Men know to pay for dates.  Our role is to gracefully receive.

5. The good ones make it easy.  They don’t send silly texts. They arrive with a plan and give you plenty of notice.  They are polite, generous and courteous.  They can also spell.

6. Most men don’t know the difference between you’re and your.

7. Men seem to love LOL and emoticons.

8. Most men will talk about themselves.  Let them it’s completely normal.

9. A good man is very hard to find, however they do exist.

On Online Dating.

1. Online dating works but truly sucks (excuse my French).

2. The profile name and written profile reveals plenty about your date.  Just read, listen and take notes.

3. Everyone should post a profile picture. Preferably one that is current and recent.

4. Online dating sites are full of time wasters and other unsuitable potentials.

5. Winks, waves or being added to someones favourites etc means absolutely nothing.  Ignore.  Only invest time and energy in those that have taken the time to read your profile and write a note.

On Modern Urban Dating.

1. There are many occasions when all you want to do is walk away from a date.  It's normal but don't do it.  Remember 'do unto others.'

2. Gracefully receiving and allowing men to pay is an art form.  One that no matter how uncomfortable to begin with needs to be practiced.  And one that once mastered becomes second nature.

3. No date is a bad date. At the most basic we’ve met another human being and we’ve practiced The Rules. 

4. When you don’t know what to do next.  Do nothing, just 'be' and let him figure
it out.

5. We’re very lucky to be able to choose our own partners.  We need to choose with extra care as the health of our home lives has a massive impact on everything else. 

6. Dating is hard work, exhausting and soul destroying but we can't let it defeat us.

7. Some days all you want to do is scream and shout, take down your profile and cancel all your subscriptions.  However giving up is not an option. 

8. There are times when you seriously want to bash  men across their heads with your bag. The only restraining factor is the possible damage this may cause to my Mulberry.

9. Never settle.

10.Become who you want to date.

11. I know he is out there.

 P.s Come on ‘My Guy’ and happy birthday blog.

Day Job Guy.

‘Day job guy’ and I had a date zero last Thursday.  (A date zero is the first date when meeting an online suitor and lasts no more than two hours)

The very familiar modus operandi pervailed. He made contact online, sent various texts before finally calling. We’d spoken on the phone twice before he suggested meeting. I was never completely sure about him, but figured a quick one/two hour date en route to later meeting my friend Rav wouldn’t hurt.

He’d initially suggested meeting closer to him. I cheekily turned him down by saying ‘was he really asking me to travel all that way.’ He seemed to take stock and we finally agreed to meet closer to my neighbourhood.

He’d underestimated travelling across London during peak hour and arrived 40 minutes late.  Too bad as he’d now only be getting an hour.

Just as well; we’d barely sat down when he asked what I did.  I told him that I work in Advertising. Something he already knew from our previous chats.

During one phone conversation I recall him saying how he runs a chauffeur business.  He’d also made a comment about filtering dates based on their day jobs. 

I thought he was joking.  He wasn’t.

He opened his top jacket pocket to reveal his company’s promotional materials and asked if I could look at it. And while at it could I also look at his website.  Somewhat deflated I told him that I’ll look at his small flyer for free (guess he’d bought the drinks).  And would be happy to provide a job estimate for the remaining materials.

His promotional materials were horrendous, truly horrendous and I told him so.  I didn’t cushion my words either.  His twisted his face visibly hurt by the comments

and feedback.

Well he asked for it.  Besides which people pay a lot of money to hear open, honest and direct feedback.  Here he was, getting it all for the price of a small red wine.  Bargain if you ask me.

As I was ending the date, he asked if I was hungry.  Ermm not a chance ‘day job guy’, dinner in exchange for free consultancy doesn’t float my boat.  Anyway I have a friend to meet, this is a date zero and you’re a ‘next’.

On parting; he said he’d be sending a big sheet of blank paper.  Blank in order to write down ways to promote his business.  I smiled and silently thought ‘not a problem,’ I’ll be reciprocating by sending you a job costing. There’ll be no discounted fee or mates rates either.

He hasn’t been in touch since our date zero last Thursday. 

Let’s hope it stays that way. 

Meeting Men Normally

 Curry, rice, naan lunch with Jill.

My friend Jill came for lunch yesterday.   Of course we talked The Rules and dating. 

‘Don’t you ever meet men normally?’ she asked halfway through lunch.

I had to stop and think about what she meant.

‘You know’ she said, ‘Don’t you meet men through work or through friends and family?’

She was asking a perfectly reasonable question.  It’s just that the idea of meeting men normally seems so alien, mainly because I never do. 

This only seems to happen to other people.  I’m yet to be graced with such an easy and simple way of meeting prospective suitors.

No I’ve had to online date, attend speed dating and single events.  Stand outside tube stations waiting for dates who are often late to arrive.  Smile through all their silly questions.  Ignore their even sillier texts.  Retain my sanity and dignity throughout the whole dating process.  Go home only to do it all again.  

Meeting normal single men normally – now there’s a thought.