Event Review – Dating in the Dark.

Dating in the Dark Vinopolis London

Where:               Dating in the Dark, Vinopolis, London Bridge, 7pm to 11.30pm

When:                Friday 23^rd September 2011

Cost of ticket:    £49

Age Group:        N/A

About. 

Vinopolis is London’s wine and spirit destination.  Practically everyone in London knows Vinopolis and as such it enjoys an enviable reputation.  It was on this basis that my flatmate and I decided to sign up.

Event Overview.

My flatmate and I attended the event last Friday. Wine tasting together with a five course taster menu were both included within the ticket price. We both took the online compatibility test prior to our visit and we were genuinely intrigued to see how the event panned out. 

Registering for dating in the dark.

We arrived at 7pm. After registering, we were given a slip of paper which contained a letter and a number.  Mine was marked B7. 

We sat down in the reception area and started guessing as to what our numbers could mean.

Once more people had arrived, the boys and girls were led into two separate rooms.

On entering the large room, we were given a drink.  We sat together in little groups perched on tall tables wondering what would happen next.  We sipped our drinks and wondered what the boys were doing.

Event Mechanics.

Unfortunately the boys never showed.  The girls stayed in the large room for over two hours.   We were given wine and prosecco followed by a formal wine taster lecture. 

My flatmate and I didn’t pay much attention to the wine tasting.  By now it was nearly 9pm, we were all glammed up, hungry and more importantly there were still no boys.

Wine glasses for wine tasting.

After 2.5 hours of drinking wine and sitting in a room full of lovely single women.  The group was split into either ‘A’ or ‘B’ depending on the letter marked on your slip of paper.

Group ‘A’ were taken to date in the dark while group ‘B’ sat around talking and drinking
more wine.

After 30 minutes groups 'A' and 'B' swapped.  We were taken to another room and told to sit on long benches with tables.  The girls sat on one side with the boys

sitting opposite. 

There was some type of DJ at the front of the room playing music and shouting out instructions.  The instructions were to the boys who were asked to move along the benches every few minutes.  In essence it became a speed dating in the dark type thing.

Results.

Zero.  

We were only given a short time to actually date. In this time I only managed to speak to two boys before the lights came on.  Both  were in their early 20’s and both confessed to having received free tickets due to their connections with the Vinopolis event organiser.

Summary.

Overall the evening was very disappointing. It also wasn’t ‘dating the dark’ but more ‘dating in the twilight’ as you could 'see' your date in front of you.   The five course taster menu was only a plate of anti-pasta.  This we tried to eat with as much dignity as possible while trying to date in the dark. There were also more girls than boys which meant that both groups of girls shared the same boys.

The darkness coupled with the background music and the overall humming of voices in a large room made it very difficult to hear what was being said. 

We were all left disappointed with the dating, the food and the overall lack of organisation. After the event  my flatmate and I wrote to complain and we were given a refund.

Vinopolis is a great venue; however their dating in the dark event needs some attention.  It’s a good idea providing they can get the execution right.  Vinopolis being Vinopolis I’m sure this’ll only be a matter of time.  

It’s probably best to wait until then before attending this particular event.

The Good Ones Make it Easy Part lll.

I got it wrong.

The good ones don’t just make it easy.  They make it very easy.

Last night ‘good guy’ and I had our date two. Once again it was simple.  He proposed we meet at a bar that he’d picked.   I arrived on time and he was already there.  After drinks he suggested dinner and again he already had a plan.

He didn’t ask any interview type questions.  Neither did we talk about my divorce or any of our past relationships. Besides which our pasts belong to us, and there really is no need to discuss them just yet.

When the bill came there was no awkwardness or discomfort.   He picked it up straight away and paid without any fuss.  It was a lovely balmy evening in London yesterday.  After dinner he walked me to the tube, told me what a great time he had and after another small peck on the cheek that was that.

I kept up my end of the bargain by agreeing to all his venue suggestions; thanking him  and gracefully receiving dinner;  following his lead;  telling him how nice the bar was (it was) and ending the date first. 

I haven’t called or texted him once between dates. Neither did I berate him for not calling more.  And I’ve waited a minimum of two to three days before responding to his messages. 

Whilst admittedly I’m not feeling a massive romantic spark just yet.  I did wake up with a smile on my face.

For now there is nothing for me to do. Other than to go about my business.  And to give him as much time as he needs to decide the next move.

Let’s see.

Another HUGE Reason to do The Rules.

Just seen this article in the guardian.com.  Apparently over 200,000 people in the UK have been conned by fraudster’s online acting as potential suitors.

Don’t waste time sending lots of emails back and forth.  Or engaging in unnecessary Instant Messager chats. 

Just remember that if he isn’t calling and trying to take you out.  Then he doesn’t exist.  Read the article here.

The Good Ones Make it Easy Part ll.

Easy peasy lemon squeezy is how it’s been.  (Please see earlier post titled ‘The Good Ones Make it Easy’ dated 15th September 2011)

After our date one a couple of weeks ago.  ‘Good guy’ asked whether I’d like to meet him again and checked my availability.  I knew he was interested as he asked for another date straight away.  

I waited until after the weekend before responding. After all a Rules Girl never responds on weekends and holidays.

On receiving my response he texted confirming the details. 

And that was it.   

Date two - as easy as that.

The Growing Urban Singles Epidemic.

Live at the Apollo Hammersmith London

Last night my flatmate and I went to watch ‘Live at the Apollo’ - a comedy show.

There were six acts performing in total.  Four out of the six acts were single and one was even online dating.  The four single acts naturally turned their dating experiences into comedy. 

I couldn’t help wondering how come all these fabulous and talented people are still single.

Maybe we’re facing a national singles epidemic.  One that with future generations will only get worse.  More reason I believe to stay in the dating game and get ourselves sorted quick smart.  We can’t give up now.

It was nice to appreciate how we're not alone. We are all facing the same dating challenges. Even celebrity comedians and that’s despite their somewhat elevated status and many connections. 

Instant Messager Chat Guy Part V.

And if ‘booty call guy’ wasn’t enough for one day.  (Please see previous post)

‘Instant Messager chat guy’ is still at it.  His latest IM was yesterday evening. 

That’s twenty one attempts to chat. 

He still hasn’t thought about sending an actual email.

Incredible.

Instant Messager Chat Guy log history.

Booty Call Guy Part ll.

Booty call guy has just texted.  (Please see earlier post titled The Booty Call and the Voicemail dated 10^th September 2011)

His text was a little surprising given his previous conduct.  I know The Rule in this instance is not to text but he doesn't 'deserve' The Rules.  Just in case he didn’t get the message last time.  I texted him back asking him ‘not to make contact again’. 

He responded by saying ‘delete my numba then’ shortly followed by ‘good riddance’. 

Gentle readers there we have it.  A booty caller who hangs up after being told off.  Who decides to get back in touch only to end the note with ‘good riddance’.   

I think this little exchange tells us all we will ever need to know. 

I didn’t bother responding to his ‘good riddance’ message. His online screen name is 'Rambo' so ladies do watch out for this one.  In the meantime I’ll be retaining his number for the sole purpose of screening out any future calls.  

When They Only Talk About Themselves.

I know and it’s completely normal.   

Don’t fight it.  Men talk about themselves and their many achievements as a way to impress us.  They are simply emphasizing ‘how much they can provide for us’. 

 

Don’t joust them for air time.  There really is no need.  Instead listen to what they have to say and take notes.  How else are we ever meant to work out if he’s ‘the one’.  Unless of course we listen, observe, watch and take notes.

 

Don’t worry that he hasn’t asked you any questions.  Really it’s ok.  

 

There is plenty of time for us to talk.  Once we’ve worked out whether they are deservedly enough that is.

What if He Thinks I’m Not Interested?

Men who are interested in us.  Like really interested in us.  These men don’t scurry away at the first missed call or unanswered text or email.  They’ll find a way to get hold of us.  Trust me, these men don’t stop.

Don’t be scared to wait a few days before responding back to their texts and emails.  And then only answer if they warrant a response. Otherwise just delete the email or text and pretend that you never received it.  That way you’ll stop yourself looking at it again and again and obsessing over how best to respond.

Trust in The Rules and know that those who have to have us will find a way.  It may not be straight away i.e. in the next day or so.  It may even take a week or two or sometimes even longer.

But that’s ok.  Allow them however much time they need to figure it out. 

In the meantime just 'stand still' and go about your business.

Come On My Guy.

'My Guy' can you hurry up and sort it out.  I have things to do and all this dating is
hard work.

I know you exist.  

So whenever you are - can you please get on it.

The Different Flavours of Men.

Run to the Beat Greenwich half marathon.

This morning I ran the Greenwich London half marathon.

In the waiting pens were a whole lot and I mean a whole lot of very cute men.  They all looked toned and honed and keen to get started.  And I began to wonder where they all trained.  Clearly it’s time to change my running route.

I used the stretching exercises as an excuse to nonchalantly check out who was standing to the left and right.  Unfortunately no one spoke to anyone else.  We were all too busy focusing on the race.

By contrast; this afternoon I logged on to respond to the various online messages etc.  By accidentally leaving the IM function on.  I had the pleasure of the below conversation.

Our IM chat lasted a few minutes and in that time he has already shown his particular flavour.

The chat went as follows:

Him -  still waiting
Him -  lol
Me -    What for?
Him - That drink you promised me
Me-    Chivalrous as ever I see
Him - lol
Him - yes that's me:)
Me -   Ok good luck with that
Him - lol
Him - U too

And with that he 'cancelled' me.  I didn't bother 'cancelling' him back. Although in less than a few hours I’ve gone from thinking ‘yes they’re out there’ to ‘they need to get
out more’.

There are indeed many flavours of men. And I know which flavour I prefer.

Instant Messager Chat Guy Part IV.

Yes.

He’s still at it.  (Please see earlier post dated 21^st September titled Instant Messager Chat Guy Part III).

So that’s nineteen attempts to engage me in Instant Messager. 

Rather amusingly, despite any response to his earlier IM's.  He even apologies for not being able to log on.  The full IM send on Thursday said:

‘hello, sorry I haven’t logged on had double shifts.  Hope to chat with you tonite’.

He tried chatting again yesterday - a Friday evening.  Looking through the chat history, he’s tried on six occasions to engage in chat either on a Friday or Saturday evening.  He clearly hasn’t heard about Rule 6 for online dating: Don’t Answer on Weekends or Holidays.   

Doesn’t he go out?  Doesn’t he have friends? Hasn’t he figured it out yet?  Wouldn’t he rather be out dating on a Friday and Saturday night as opposed to chatting?

Going to leave him to it.

Instant Messager Chat Guy Log.

And We Thought We Had it Bad.

Yesterday evening I ordered a glass of wine and waited for my friend Claire to arrive for dinner. 

I jokily made a comment to the women sitting at the next table about how  at 5.30pm it was already time for ‘wine o clock’.

The woman sat at the next table was actually a man.  Or a ‘T Girl’ to use the correct term.  The ‘T’ stands for Transgender. I was out in Soho London the heart of the Gay community which makes such encounters normal. 

Jenna as she calls herself leads a dual life.  By day she is Ben, a 40ish, 6ft tall guy who works in IT and lives in the East of England.  By night she is Jenna, a girl who loves make up, wears siren red nail polish, size 40D silicone implants, long dresses and four inch heels.

We got talking about dating (I know I just can’t help myself).  Jenna/Ben is divorced with no children and is also online dating.  She’s posted a picture of herself as Jenna but has answered the written section of the profile as Ben.  This duality has lead to much confusion and as such she continually gets kicked off most sites.

The only site yet to kick her off is plentyoffish.com. I asked why she wasn’t using niche dating sites better suited to her orientation.  She responded by saying that she was looking for a straight heterosexual woman open to her Ben/Jenna life.  I asked how it was going and as you can imagine she said it was hard.  In fact she’s only had one date in two years.

I gave gratitude that my ‘deal breakers’ don’t include being allowed to cross dress.  Nothing wrong with it and very much each to their own but it’s not for me. 

Nothing like abit of perspective to re-fuel the dating fires. If Jenna/Ben can get herself out there then the rest of us really have no excuse.

P.s I've changed his/her name.

Rule #30 - Don’t Waste Time on Fantasy Relationships.

Fantasy Land

It’s so simple to have a fantasy relationship.

As a Rules coach and die hard Rules Girl,  I know better than to ever ever act on any fantasy relationship.   

Yet it’s easy to comprehend how those not fully versed in The Rules could potentially act on such a relationship  - whether this be with their gym instructor, yoga teacher, boss, subordinate, doctor, dentist, colleague etc.

Yesterday I had an appointment with my new financial planner.  This was our second meeting.  After the  first I rather pathetically berated myself for turning up in my everyday jeans because he was cute.  Very cute.   I told myself to always be prepared as you never know when 'he' may come along.   What if financial planner guy was 'the one' and now any first impression has been ruined!

Yesterday   he was dressed a little nicer. His flash car complete with customised registration plate was also parked outside his practise. 

It'd be easy to make believe that he dressed nicer because of our meeting.  And that his parked flash car was there to impress me.  As a Rules Girl I know this is nothing more than my own vain imaginings. He is no more interested in me than he is in any of his other clients.   

Recently a friend of mine believed her boss had feelings for her.  She was adamant that he was scared to act because either he feared rejection - in which case she would just have to find a way to let him know.  Or because of  his seniority within the company.  

She took it on herself to arrange and invite him  along to after work drinks.  She planned on hanging around until the very end hoping that they’d find themselves  together.  He is also a keen badminton player so she even suggested that they play a game one evening after work.

I told her to STOP pursing him.  There is absolutely no need to fret. When a man is interested whether he be the Prime Minister or the CEO of the biggest global conglomerate he will find a way. 

Until he does then he simply doesn’t exist.

It really is as simple as that.

Instant Messager Chat Guy Part III

He’s still at it. (please see earlier post dated 17th September titled Instant Messager Chat Guy Part II)

'Instant Messager chat guy' has now tried engaging in ‘chat’ seventeen times. He's been trying since the 3rd of September which is nearly three weeks.  And he still hasn’t thought about sending an actual email or asking for a number. 

He’s a complete time waster.  Here's the chat history:

Instant Messager Chat Guy Log.

Dating Fatigue.

Have a small dose of dating fatigue today. 

After yesterdays date zero failed to come anywhere close to the mark.  It’s left me wondering how many more profiles, texts, calls and dates  need to be endured before meeting ‘The One’

I really don’t have the answer.

Sometimes it’s best not to think about it for too long.

… Just Like a Game of Chess.

And a delicate game at that. 

Often emotions such as feeling fed up with their lame texts or being asked interview type questions  such as ‘what makes you tick?’ invariably take their toll.

Let’s not forget those that only want to communicate via Instant Messager or those that email you generic one size fits all notes.  Then there are the time wasters, pen pals, booty callers and texting addicts.

It’s now fast becoming very easy to work out who is interested versus those that are either playing or were never that interested in the first place.   I’ve also found that most men think it completely normal to text after hours.  

Normally these texts are sent after 10pm with the majority being received on Friday or Saturday evening.  It’s clear that these men are either bored, lonely or in need of some entertainment.

To all these supposedly professional men in their late 30’s and 40’s who think it’s ok to text after hours - may I suggest watching a movie or reading a book as alternative distractions.   In many cases you’re yet to arrange a first date with us.   Don’t spoil any potential first date/meeting by sending us silly texts late at night. We’re taking notes and we're  likely to think more of you if you contacted us during the day. 

Late this Saturday I received two texts from one suitor.  A rather lengthy rambling text of nothingness, followed by a  shorter one saying how  he finds it hard to ‘break the ice’ and how this gets him all flustered.  Neither text warranted a response partly because I’m not sure what he expects back.  Worryingly he is in his late thirties and at this age surely he’s had enough experience  to know what to do.

Either way I’m not going to help him out.  He can either figure it out or ‘poof’.

The next move is definitely his.

Become Who You Want To Date.

Show me who you’re with and I will show you who you are!

It's true - our work is continually with ourselves.

Take a look at this link  -  become who you want to date.

Instant Messager Chat Guy Part II.

Instant Messager Chat Guy is still only interested in chatting via the IM functionality.  (Please see earlier post dated 12^th September titled Instant Messager Chat Guy).   

He suggested that we get to know each other by ‘chatting’ over Instant Messager.  Unfortunately for him I gave him an email account that is checked once a week.  

Surprisingly he still hasn’t worked it out yet.  Neither has he thought about sending an email.  After all he does have my email address.  Sounds controversial I know - but he could simply ask for my number.  Surely this is easier, quicker and more efficient than logging on and trying to engage in a chat conversation with someone who is rarely online. 

I've placed him in the 'time waster' category.  My hudge is that he’ll try another couple of times before ‘poofing’.

Fine by me.

Instant Messager Chat Guy Log.

Rule #12 - Screen Out Mr Wrong Part II.

The online dating screen name kinda gives a lot away.

The ‘good ones’ usually have a normal screen name.  Often they’ll use their name i.e Mark_2011.  The Mr Wrongs on the other hand don’t.

Here are some screen names which are best avoided. 

- Sensualheart

- Smooth_operator

- Studmonkey

- Cosmic_sherbert

- OKBABE

- Rambo

- Ride_with_me

- Notquitedivourced

- Man4U

- Onlyfriends

- Rock_star

In case you were wondering.  Yes these are all actual living and breathing men, in their late 30’s to early 40’s, many in professional roles who are all looking to meet the one.

Here’s wishing them all the very best of luck.

The Good One’s Make it Easy.

It’s true.

The 'good ones' make it very easy to date.  Last night I had a date one.  We’d met at a speed dating event a couple of weeks ago.  Since then it’s been easy.  He emailed after the event and suggested a drink.  He emailed again with the meeting time and place and asked for my mobile.

That was it, as easy as that.  There was no text or phone tag. No waiting to hear back from him, no angst or drama.   His emails didn’t contain any typos.  Neither did he excessively use emoticons or lol to get his point across.  Just simple well written notes.

Our date was equally pleasant. He was on time and polite.  We didn’t stand there trying to work out a venue because he already had a plan.  I let him take the lead and he couldn’t have been more attentive. 

It’s also true that the 'good ones' really do want to please us. He gave me the seat with the nicer view.  The waitress kept ignoring our table so he decided to go to the bar and get our drinks.  Our food took ages to arrive and again he excused himself to find a waitress.  He walked me to the tube station and after a small peck on the cheek asked that I drop him a ‘got home safely’ text.

I did my 'Rulesy' part by following his lead, thanking him for dinner, telling him how nice the food was, smiling sweetly when our table kept getting ignored and of course ending the date first. 

The whole date from start to finish was seamless. 

Yes they do exist. 

He can stay.

Married Types Need Not Apply.

The infamous Mother in Law.

Marriage can be hard.

In my culture Indian girls are very aware of the importance of marriage.  

Our parents start preparing us for the onset of marriage at a very young age.  And we practically live in constant fear of our future Mother in Laws.  These Mother in Laws are yet to materialise.  Yet we’re continually told how one day we’ll have a Mother in Law.  A Mother in Law who'll need to be kept placated lest she makes our married life’s difficult.

Practically everything we did or didn’t do was centred on our future nuptials.  Many of us weren’t allowed to go out with boys, or hang out in nightclubs or bars.  Of course most of us did.  We just didn’t tell our parents.

Coming from a culture that places so much importance on marriage.  And as a divorcee I know from firsthand experience how soul destroying it is to be unhappily married.  

Recently I've heard stories about married men and woman hanging out at singles events.  Apparently they’re out to have some fun.  I’m not judging but it’s not fair on us singletons who think we’ve met someone who is single only to discover that they’re married and have children.

You married types already have what many of us urban singletons are seeking.  So stop wasting our/your time and stop being greedy.  . 

If it’s fun that you’re after then try something other than a singles event. 

Rule #12 - Screen Out Mr Wrong.

Online dating for many is a numbers game. 

The idea is to send out as many emails as possible and wait to see who responds back.  Nothing more, nothing less. 

Once in awhile a guy will come across a profile that he’s really interested in. In this case he’ll be extra careful with his email, he’ll personalise and may even spell check his note. 

Without The Rules for Online Dating and in particular Rule #12 Screen Out Mr. Wrong.  I honestly have no idea how anyone can screen out the mad, the bad, the time wasters, the players etc.

Last week I received two emails via an online dating site as follows:

Email One:

Hi,

I loved your profile and you seem to have a great balance smarts and heart and life in general.

Not sure what you would like to know about me...was born in Africa but left home at 14, have been living in the US for 30 years now and recently moved to London as I accepted a new role with the company I work for.

Would love to explore London so I do need a partner in crime. Though I am looking for someone to build a bright future with.

Best,  S

Email Two:

Hi, Look forward to getting to know you. Not sure if you prefer email or talking.

I think chatting a bit on email followed by talking over the phone would be great.

So are you training for a run or are you practising roller blading? I guess the season for it is over as far as London goes unless the fall is sunny and dry.

Best, S

Both emails were from the same guy. They were send on the same day, albeit a few hours apart from each other. The only difference is that the first is a generic cut and paste email that he probably sends out to everyone.  And the second is more tailored - insomuch as he has taken the time to read my profile.

The only way you’re ever going to know if you’re being spammed versus whether he's really interested is to either:

a) Do The Rules for Online Dating

Or

b) As suggested to some ‘not fully convinced of The Rules’ friends -   devise your own online dating strategy.  I.e. allocate a couple of days a week for online dating, create a separate email account, don’t online date on Friday and Saturday and don’t respond back straight away. 

Most importantly whatever you do – do not email the guy first EVER.

Instant Messager Chat Guy.

‘Instant Messager chat guy’ is only interested in chatting via the IM functionality.  (See chat history below)

He made contact via the online dating site and asked for my personal email address.    He suggested that we get to know each other better by ‘chatting’ via Instant Messager.  

I gave him my yahoo email address.  An email account which doesn’t give away any Google-able information i.e. my full name.  And one that’s been created for the sole purpose of dating.   So far ‘Instant Messager chat guy’ has tired ‘chatting’ eight times.  Unfortunately this yahoo email account is only checked once a week which makes any ‘chat’ difficult.  Just the way I like it.

Quite a few men try the ‘chat’ option.  I think it’s called ‘putting in the least amount of effort possible’.  Ordinarily once you’ve declined their ‘chat’ invitation, they buckle up and either ask for your email address or telephone number.  The vast majority will ask for a mobile and in the continued spirit off ‘do the least amount possible’ will start texting.  They continue texting until they finally realise that the best way to get hold of you is to just call. Takes time but they get there in the end. 

In the case of ‘Instant Messager chat guy’.   I’m going to leave him to it.  He'll either figure it out or will ‘poof’ naturally.

Instant Messager Chat Guy log.

The Booty Call and The Voicemail.

Yesterday was an evening of first's. 

I received my first voicemail in many months together with my very first booty call. 

The voicemail may sound silly but most men don’t leave voice mails. It’s bizarre and hard to understand as leaving a voicemail is so normal.  Instead they either leave a missed call or a text.

‘Scottish guy’ can leave voice mails. Due to the distance we’re yet to meet.  The usual non response to his texts means that he’s been calling instead.  . 

The Rules and the  'search'  have equipped me with enough dating experience to know  that ignoring their texts  doesn't matter.  They will nearly always call.  I (unintentionally) missed his calls a couple of times and again it didn’t matter.  They just call again.  'Scottish guy' left a very nice voicemail saying how he was sorry for not calling sooner and that he’d try again over the weekend.  He can stay.

‘Booty call guy’ on the other hand can most definitely leave.  His online dating screen name is ‘Rambo’. Ladies watch out for this one.  He called earlier this week. He sounded a little crabby so I deliberately kept any answers very vague. 

Last night at 11.58pm the phone rang.  It was a withheld number. The automatic reflex - thinking it was either family or a close friend was to take the call .  It was neither.  It was 'booty call guy'.  He said he was nearby and asked if we could briefly meet.   Only he wasn’t nearby as I’d purposely kept all personal information vague.  The answer was a very loud and resounding NO.

'Booty call guy' is a complete and total ‘next’.  The midnight call from his withheld number woke me up and made it difficult to fall asleep again.   How can anyone; who is serious about dating even consider calling a complete stranger late at night with the intention of ‘briefly meeting’. Aren’t there  professional services for anyone with such needs?

As I'm writing this post,  'booty call guy' has literally just called again.  I was in the middle of telling him off and guess what.... he hung up.  

Honestly these men.

'Next'.