What's the hardest Rule?

Recently a client posed the above question.  What’s the hardest Rule she asked. 

My initial reaction was to say Rule #15 Long Distance Relationships Part II.   Applying the Rules to long distance relationships are hard.  You have to work on yourself not to call and work even harder to end the call after 15 - 20 minutes. Inevitably the distance also means a bigger time lapse between each subsequent date.  Rather than having to wait a few days for the next date.  You have to wait weeks. 

However after reflection, The Rules like everything - are easy once you know how.  Since becoming a Rules coach I’m beginning to think it’s not The Rules that are hard. 

The hard bit is the patience, self control, faith and restraint that we have to cultivate within ourselves in order to apply The Rules.

As always our work is continually with ourselves.

The First Five Rules.

By popular request and to break you in gently - here are the first five Rules:

Rule #1 – Be a ‘Creature Unlike Any Other’

Rule # 2- Don’t Talk to a Man First (and Don’t Ask Him to Dance)

Rule # 3 – Don’t stare at Men or Talk Too Much

Rule #4 – Don’t Meet Him Halfway or Go Dutch on a Date

Rule #5 – Don’t Call Him and Rarely Return His Calls.

Perhaps best to let you digest these first before moving onto the next five.

Blame it on the housework.

According to  this article in The Economist:

- By 2050, there will be 60m more men of marriageable age than  women  in China and India.

- Women with the most education have always been the most reluctant to wed.

- Woman in Eastern cultures are shunning marriage as they are expected to work a 40 hour week and undertake 30 hours of housework.  No surprise that many turn against the drudgery of marriage.

Maybe that’s why we’re still single.

Things said by very well meaning people.

Here is a list of advice/suggestions/statements said by well meaning people in an endeavour to help/explain my single status. 

- How come you’re still single?

- You never know what’s around the corner

- You’re trying too hard

- You’re  not trying hard enough

- You’re too picky

- Is there no one at work?

- Don’t your family know anyone?

- Don’t your friends know anyone?

- These things always happen when you’re not looking

- Have you tired clubbing?

Trouble is everyone says the same thing. It may not be useful or helpful although the sentiment is (sometimes) appreciated.

Please feel free to add any of your own in the comments box below or via email at datingtherules@gmail.com.  

You’re too picky?

This line is continually  cited as the reason for my ongoing single status. 

Naturally I don’t agree. 

Finding your personal 'Mr Right' is serious business and not every guy will make the grade.    Apparently your choice of partner impacts all other aspects of your life. 

And it makes sense because if your ‘home’ life isn’t happy then this has a bearing on absolutely everything else.  

I recall my first unhappy marriage.   It was so miserable that everything seemed insignificant.  I’d try and put a brave face but nothing could mask the sadness and distress of having to spend an entire lifetime in an unhappy marriage.  

Or so I thought -  as divorce is frowned upon within the Asian culture. You’re encouraged to grin and bear it. Oh and if the pain wasn’t already heart wrenching enough. You’re repeatedly told that it’s your fault.  And that there’s something wrong with you because you can’t make your marriage work. 

My very sweet mother in law would tell me to have patience. Her own husband used to be an alcoholic who from memory  used to slap her.  A few years ago he had a stroke and as a side effect stopped drinking, became tea total and re found god.  She’d refer to his miraculous recovery as evidence that time and patience conquers all.  It does when you have no other choice.  

You’re too picky?  You bet.

How hard can it be to arrange to simple drink date?

Chivalry

Well if ‘comeback guy’ has anything to do with it.  Really hard.  We’d already unsuccessfully tried to meet on two previous occasions (see earlier post dated 23rd August).

Last week he called and we agreed to meet.  He was happy to travel to my neighbourhood providing we could meet at an earlier time.  This suited fine.

Earlier in the week he texted to ask if I was available later that evening and if so could I travel closer to him.  The answer was no because  a) Rules girls don’t accept last minute dates and b) this violates Rule #4 don’t meet him halfway.

After declining his last minute date and ignoring his subsequent texts. He called to confirm the date details. Yesterday afternoon he texted to say that he’d have to work late  and could we meet halfway.  I didn’t respond to his text.  Today he texted again to say that he has to work even later than originally thought and could I travel to him. 

In the spirit of Rule #4  don't meet him halfway the answer is No.   Additionally whatever happened to chivalry.

Rules violation or not the truth is:

a) He’s already taken up heaps of time.

b) Since ‘coming back’ he’s tired to change plans on three separate occasions.

c) I’d  shifted some appointments to earlier in the date in order to accommodate  today’s date.

d) It’s going to be very hard to hide my annoyance and smile sweetly when all I want to do is punch him in the face (hypothetically of course)

e) I was already foregoing half marathon training as figured training could wait as dating takes priority. 

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggggggg. 

Half marathon training it is.

We know you’re busy…

But…

If you have a date in the diary then just stick to it.

Unless the circumstances are excruciating.  Truly excruciating. Then don’t cancel, reschedule, or sent a stupid text either on the day or the day before saying that you can’t make it.  Also don’t change the meeting place or time unless absolutely necessary.  Even if you can’t be bothered, (there’s plenty of those days)  dig deep and force yourself to turn up.  

Think of it as a new business meeting or a client meeting and apply the same discipline.  I.e. turn up on time, dress accordingly and if you’re running late then have the decency to call and leave a message.

Just stick with the plan. It’s easier and simpler all round. We know you're  busy because guess what  - so are we.

I thought I’d just call you.

Canny how they always get there in the end. There’s a first date in the diary this Thursday with ‘comeback guy’. ‘Comeback guy’ first made contact back in April.  Circumstances like the London student demonstrations together with  tube and train delays  scuppered our plans on two or more occasions.  

In the end it was becoming so difficult to arrange  a date that we decided to call it

a day. 

‘Comeback guy’ made contact again a few weeks ago via the dating site.  And again last week albeit this time by text.  He checked my availability and asked whether we could meet this Thursday.  I texted back three days later with a ‘yes sounds fine’.   

He’s just called and said ‘well I thought I’d better just call you as it takes you so long to respond to my texts’.  

Will they call if we ignore their texts?  Yes they sure do.  

Shaadi.com results – Month Seven.

Shaadi.com results - Month seven.

Since joining Shaadi.com an Asian online dating site nearly seven months the vital stats are as follows:

In this period my profile has been viewed 4,103 times with 729 men either expressing an interest or writing an email.  Out of these 729 men, 606 have been rejected.  Out of the 85 ‘accepted’ men, the majority failed to provide a picture, never got back in touch or couldn’t keep up with The Rules rigour. 

To ensure that I practise what I preach and in accordance with Rule #1 for online dating ‘don’t answer men’s ad or email them first’.  The second heading titled 'Total members you expressed interest in'  is zero i.e I have never made the first contact or added anyone to my favourites ever.

For anyone thinking that unless we make the first move, men won’t get it touch.  The above stats show that men do get in touch.  They get in touch in their droves.   They're just not all suitable.  Many are simply playing; don’t follow up or in some occasions look nothing like their profile pictures. 

I’ve responded to every single guy who has ever made contact.  It’s hard work reading their profiles, emails, doing The Rules, not responding to any lame texts, setting up dates, trying not to look disappointed when they're either late, arrive without a plan or look nothing like their profile pictures.

Online dating definitely needs an overhaul.   At the most basic everyone should add a recent picture.  One that’s preferably verified.  This one criterion alone would save heaps of time.  In the meantime here’s hoping it’ll all be worth it.

NB: Apologies for the fuzzy screen shot.

Carol Vorderman - What I Know About Men.

It appears that Carol Vorderman displays Rules Girl tendencies.  Have a look at this article and at paragraph four in particular.

Online Dating Fatigue.

Online dating is a great way to meet people however after a few months the fatigue really does set in.  I joined another dating site about a month ago and logged in last night to find several new messages. 

Rather than feelings of elation; my heart sinks thinking about the eschewing process that now follows.  Each profile will need to be read and accessed. Emails will be exchanged, followed by numbers which invariably lead to texts.  More texts will finally lead to phone calls which may or may not equate to an actual live date.   Even after the first date, they will be more texts, phone calls before a second date is organised. 

Some of these suitors will fall by the wayside after the first few emails.  For now they each require attention, effort and energy together with a very healthy dose of The Rules for Online Dating.

Emoticons & Dating.

Emoticons emoticons -   other than the standard happy or sad face, seriously what’s the need.  

There are so many and they all look the same yet all hold different meanings.  It’s hard to comprehend how adult, grown, mature professional men would:

a) Use emoticons so liberally.

b) Know what they all mean.  Honestly you should see how many there are.

c) Know which keys to press in order to get the desired emoticon symbols.  

The emoticons meaning completely changes the tone and essence of the message. Ordinarily  emoticons are simply overlooked.  However recently I’ve been forced to look them up especially when the emoticon is the message.

Here’s a  useful link should you ever find yourself in a similar situation.

Blake Lively Plays by The Rules.

Blake Lively likes to play by The Rules: Actress 'snared Leo di Caprio using cult dating manual'

Read more: Blake Lively and The Rules

A Very Modern Rules Cyber Love Story.

A few years ago, a colleague and I started working on a project together.  And it transpired we had more in common than working for the same company.    

At the end of our work meetings, everyone used to exit and leave us to it.  They’d become accustomed to the two of us staying behind to catch up on notes. 

We’d giggle at the thought of our superiors being impressed with our work ethic.  We were certainly catching up - it’s just that our catch ups were centred around being single, dating and The Rules.

This very Rulesy friend is proof that The Rules work and that decent suitors do exist online. She’d met her now husband two years ago via the online dating site Guardian Soulmates. Throughout the various stages of their courtship she gave him The Rules. It clearly worked as this weekend they were married.  His love for her and their love for each other overflowed; was visible to all the wedding guests;  and at a push could probably cure all our  modern day ills. 

They also weren’t ashamed to admit to their guests that they’d met online.  My friend is one of the coolest progressive girls ever.  She’s worked in over four continents, has a friendship base that spans the globe, speaks a multitude of languages and is proof that online dating certainly isn’t for losers and does actually work.

Now she just needs to do The Rules for Marriage.  A copy of which will be reaching her very shortly.

When your day job becomes interesting.

In some cases it’s obvious that guys are more interested in your day job. 

Granted the ‘what do you do?’ is a common typical first date question. Together with ‘have long have you been dating?’ and the frequent ‘what kind of guy are you looking for?’ 

However there is a marked difference between asking this question as a standard; and asking this question, then leaning in, listening attentively and spending the remainder of the date talking only about  advertising which is my day job.

On three separate occasions’ guys have spent the majoirity of the date asking questions ranging from:  How could they promote their websites? How does social media equate to revenue?  Or about my client contacts.

Guess it’s not a bad trade off - one or two drinks for two hours worth of free consultancy. There's no problem sharing expertise, just a shame I can't bill them.

Event review: Xfactor dating Singles Party.

xfactordates.

Where/what

Xfactor Singles Party

Saturday 16^th July 2011 at

The Abbey Bar Minories

London.  19.00pm to 2am.

Cost of ticket: £16 (I paid the early bird subsided price of £10)

Age group: 18-39

About

Xfactor dating host speed dating and singles events throughout the UK. www.xfactordates.com

Event overview

A couple of weeks ago a friend and I attended a singles party. Included were ice breakers in the form of a lock and key, celebrity guess who and a speed dating event.   The event started at 7.00pm although we arrived at 8.30pm. On arrival our names were ticked off and we were given a name badge which we duly stuck onto our clothes.   The atmosphere felt vibey and it was intriguing to see what the
night bought. 

We made our way to the bar, did a quick scan of the room and applied Rule 2 ‘don’t talk to a man first’ together with Rule 3 ‘don’t stare at men or talk too much’. We sipped our drinks, smiled and waited for men to approach.  Like us the majority of men seemed to hang out in two’s.  In total we were approached by three sets of two men.  We spoke to each set for about 10 minutes before making our excuses and walking away.  

Speed dating

The event was an evening of two halves, more by default than by design.  We spend the first half mingling in the bar and second half taking part in  what was proving to be a popular speed dating event.  After speed dating, we went downstairs to the bar to find that the majority of people have  left.  We stayed for one drink and left at 11.30pm.

Singles parties are never easy.  It’s really tough to work a whole room luckily as Rules Girls we didn’t have to.  We simply waited to see who approached - although it can get draining having the same conversation with every man whilst trying to look interested and engaged.  In all honesty it felt like we were all standing around trying to look cool; pretending that we weren’t at a singles party when the truth is we were all there for the same reason. 

Ambiance/venue/games

As single party venues go, the venue was good. The lock and key is a pretty standard ice breaker which seemed to work as it gave guys a straightforward ‘in’.  The idea is that guys grab a key and ladies a lock which they place around your necks.  Each time your lock and key matches you’re given a raffle ticket.  In total you have three keys and locks.

The speed dating took place at the same time which meant that the bar area was never full.  This gave the impression of a low turnout. I also overheard some people saying that the event was badly managed as they didn’t know where they were going.  Personally I didn’t share the same sentiment as it wasn’t too difficult to navigate between the two floors.

In terms of numbers men outnumbered women. The majority of men expressed their discontentment at the unfair gender ratios which left a few slightly churlish.  The celebrity guess who game was a little naff and as such we choose not to take part.

Results

There was no one at the event that caught my eye.  After the event you’re encouraged to log onto the xfactor dating site to see how many people matched you in the speed dating.  I’d marked eleven people on my speed dating sheet or flirt file to give it the xfactor dating correct term. Once online I ticked yes to everyone because it was hard to remember who any of them where.

Flirt file or speed dating sheet

 In total I received six ‘yes’ matches and eight ‘friendship’ requests.   Some of the men who gave me a ‘yes’  weren’t  on my speed dating sheet and since my profile isn’t  on the xfactor dating site I can only assume they took the same strategy  i.e. ticked yes to everyone.  Guess it can’t hurt.

Summary

Singles events despite the number of ice breakers, games, and distractions are never easy.  Who wants to spend their Saturday night at a singles party trying to look cool whilst knowing why we’re all there. 

Deep down whether anyone wants to admit it - there is a certain stigma to these events.  I certainly felt it.  The trick is to go with a friend, just turn up, do The Rules, smile a lot, keep an open mind and just see what the night brings.  If nothing else at least you’ve caught up with your friend.  

Once home, delusion sets in. You tell yourself you’re too cool for this, that you’ll never go to another event because you’re not like the other singletons.  And you know just know that fate will help you out.  Then wait a couple of weeks, log on, check out the next singles event and sign up.

Finally just because it says singles  doesn’t mean everyone is . There was one  married lady who came to have some fun. These married types should go somewhere else to have fun.  We urban singletons have a serious job to do.

Rating

4/10.  The hosts were welcoming and the venue was good.  Unfortunately due to the speed dating events taking place at the same time the room looked half empty.  The age range of 18 – 39 was too broad and some fell outside this age range.    Most people left at 11pm which made the DJ and dance floor area a little redundant. The music throughout the entire evening was also too loud.  We couldn’t hear what anyone was saying which added to the annoyance of having to spend your Saturday night at a singles party.

Posting a much much younger looking profile picture.

How we once were.

This tactic whilst completely understandable doesn’t compute. 

Why state your age at forty two and then post a grainy black and white picture of what you  looked like in your twenties?  Maybe the thinking behind this zany strategy is to show how attractive they once were. 

Possibly so.  The reality is that no we’re not going to date you based on what you once looked like.  And if you don’t look like that anyone, accept the fact that we’re all going to get old,  do us all a favour and please just post a recent photo.

Book Review: Text. Love. Power. The Ultimate Girl’s Guide for Texting and Dating in the New Millennium by Vanessa Taylor

Vanessa Taylor.

Text. Love. Power. The Ultimate Girl’s Guide for Texting and Dating in the New Millennium.

Publish Green 2011

Kindle download price $3.99 or £2.85 (available to download via www.amazon.com also availble via Kindle for PC and Adobe Digital Editions

10 -1-937003-91-4

About the author

Vanessa Taylor is an international Rules dating coach, writes a blog called http://www.platinumgirlcelebrityblog.com and is the author of Text. Love. Power.  The Ultimate Girl’s Guide for Texting, Dating in the New Millennium.  The book comprises 32 short easy to read chapters. Don’t be fooled by the slenderness of the book; for in this slim book Vanessa provides answers to every dating related texting scenario and her advice is invaluable.

Overview

The book aims to give a better grasp for anyone wishing to understand how The Rules work for texting. Trust me it’s a minefield when it comes to dating and texting.

The first 16 chapters offer a refresher into The Rules.  From chapter 17 onwards Vanessa outlines and details every single texting scenario that you’ll ever be faced with and provides a solution.  For this the book is priceless. And my only complaint is that the book wasn’t available sooner as I once recall my friends and I being unsure about The Rules for texting. 

Well we needn’t look any further as Vanessa outlines all the answers by using scenarios to illustrate real life dating situations.   Although it should be said that anyone new to The Rules may benefit from reading the book in conjunction with  The  Rules for online dating and The Rules for dating – time tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr Right both by the authors Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider.

Ease of read

Overall the book is easy to read; I downloaded the Kindle version and read the book in less than two hours.  I have since re-read the book on more than one occasion.  The book has also become a trusted companion when travelling to or waiting for dates.   One instance my date was thirty minutes late.  I used this time to re-read Vanessa's book.  The advice and timely prompters helped massively when he finally showed up.  It was like having your own personal Rules Girl with you reminding you to apply The Rules even though he was late and clearly lacked manners.

Summary

The advice is brilliant and the book is an excellent addition to The Rules philosophy. Anyone new to The Rules may find the advice difficult to put into practice.  To this my suggestion is to read it once, read it twice and make notes, then read it again. And then practise, practise, practise on all your dates. 

Rulesy rating out of 10

10/10.   Anyone who wants to better understand The Rules for texting, whether a novice or die hard Rules Girl will be wise to download a copy. 

Full Disclosure:  Vanessa and I are both Rules Certified dating coaches but the summation above is completely my own.  Other than being advocates of The Rules we are not affiliated.