Perfect first email.



Window Shopping

In my online dating profile I mention running, rollerblading and films. 

'The Rules for online dating' by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider state that if a man is interested in your profile and not just window shopping  i.e adding you as a 'fan' a 'favourite' or 'winking'.  

Then he will take the time to read your written profile and craft a suitable note. I checked my inbox last night and received two notes as below:

Email One

Hi. Pls email your contact details. So I can get in touch.

Regards, xx

Email Two

Well then Rollerblades,


Running and going to the cinema, sounds like the first two are hard work, although the cinema I can do. I recently watched West is West although I thought it was rubbish compared to the first one, that being East is East.

That said I’ve started  running again as I need to shift some extra pounds, although I do go  mountain biking a fair bit, and I've just come back from Cape Town where I climbed Table Top mountain and the Lions Head. So all in all I like the things that you do as your leisurely pursuits. I also like going out to meet up with friends and have dinner at mine or restaurants all very civilized affairs.

So you have three brothers which are all married, last of all you.  Although I see that you were once, a little like myself but that’s a story we can have face to face maybe if you’re bothered to want to know.

I’ve got an older sister and have 3 little nieces who give me hell when they come round, I also have a younger brother who is getting married this September.

Anyway it would be good to hear back from you, contact me on xx or call if it’s easier and  if you’re not shy.

Take care speak soon.

P.s  – Don’t break your ankles when rollerblading. I nearly did that once when my mum bought me roller-skates from Woolworths back in the day, when they were adjustable.  I'll have you know I think you could adjust  them to fit right up until you're 18 years old. Good old Asian parents always thinking ahead!! (yep I’m that old).

No guesses for working out which note got my full attention.

The Profile Surgery - Playful

Really liked this proflle, it bought a smile to my face.  If only more profiles were as light and as playful. 

'Life is like a box of chocolates'. Soooo as long as your aren't the coffee cream, then maybe just maybe.

Only other prerequisite is that you have your own teeth and a good head of hair. No offence to any umpa-lumpa's. 

Me... I'm an interesting contradiction  between playful and professional. I love to cook and have an insatiable curiosity for travel, new experiences and just love music.  Nothing better than feeling that vibe (you know what I mean).

It is that time of life where one must reflect on the road well travelled and align the journey with Miss Right.  If it could be you I would be delighted to hear from you.

If not be good, be nice and never eat yellow snow'.

Book review - Why Him? Why Her? How to Find and Keep Lasting Love By Helen Fisher

Together with applying the tired and tested methods of ‘The Rules’ - time-tested secrets for capturing the heart of Mr Right by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. And in an endeavour to better understand the various facets of dating.   I’m investing in a dose of reading around the various subjects surrounding dating, online dating, the differences between the sexes, how to build a fulfilling and balanced relationship, how to compile profiles that work etc. 

There have been so many insights together with practical hints and tips that I thought I’d share some in the form of book reviews.  Hopefully these are useful when applied to either your own dating journey and/ or current partnerships/union

Why Him? Why Her? How to Find and Keep Lasting Love by Helen Fisher priced £8.99 is an international bestseller outlining why we fall for some people and not others. 

Helen created a Personality Type Study for an Internet dating service who consulted her on developing a personality test for their members. She doesn’t name the Internet dating service although I understand this is Match.com.  The foundations of the book are based on data collected via three studies namely:

·         The Personality Type Study using a statistical base of 39,910 anonymous  responders. 

·         The Mate Choice Study using data collected from 28,128 anonymous responders  

·         The Word Type Study using data collected anonymously from a 178,532 responders

As expected no person is a ‘pure’ type. Rather the author explains how we all have a primary and secondary type within each of our personalities.  The responses collated from all three studies are used to devise four personality types. The author  lists amongst other things  each ‘types’ key attributes; which type they gravitate towards; the positives and negatives of each type and rather interestingly  which chemicals each type is governed by.  

I’ve listed in the table below some of the proponents of each personality type. (Not exhaustive)

Personality Type	Mate Choice. The personality type each type gravitates towards	Word Type The words each type is likely to use in their written online profiles/essays	Chemicals The dominant brain chemical within each personality type
Explorer	Explorer	Adventure, spontaneity, energy, new, fun, travelling, passion and active	Dopamine linked to energy, creativity, mental flexibility
Builder	Builder	Family, honesty, caring, moral, respect,  values, loving and trustworthy	Serotonin calm, cautious, loyal, fond of rules
Director	Negotiator	Intelligent, geek,  ambition, driven, politics, challenge and real	Testosterone (direct, focused, analytical, tough minded)
Negotiators	Director	Passion,  heart, kind, sensitive, read, sweet, learning, random, empathetic	Estrogen (nurturing, agreeable, emotional, expressive)

I took the Personality Type Test in chapter two and found some of the questions too broad.  There was also no option to select ‘not applicable’ or ‘neither’.  This meant that I had to either agree or disagree with the statements when sometimes none of the statements resonated.  My results like the book’s author showed my personality type to be Explorer/Negotiator.

At first I found myself relating to all four personality types which is to be expected as we are each more than one type.  As I read further I found that her descriptions of my personality type were in the majority of cases spot on and in some instances way off the mark.  I could easily identify someone within my circle of family and friends that fitted into her four personality type’s framework.  As a result I felt I had gained a better understanding of him/her.

Aristotle

Helen notes in page 15 how 'we humans have been trying to categorise personality types since the époque of the ancient Greeks'.  Helen outlines how 'Hippocrates living between 460 and 370 AD first devised the concept of broad temperament styles based on ‘four homors’.  She also notes how 'Aristotle amongst others believed we humans sought happiness in one of four ways what Aristotle called: Hedone (sensual pleasure), The propraietare (acquiring assets), Dialogike (logical investigation) and Ethikos (expressing moral virtue)'.

To this extent I felt that Helen’s Personality Type Study rather than being ‘pioneering and inventive’ seemed to be based on theories already devised by the ancients albeit expressed in modern form.

The most interesting and insightful section was understanding how we’re all controlled by chemicals.  Chemicals which seem to play a huge part (outside the normal socio economic/cultural etc factors) in our selection of a life partner. 

Overall the book was easy to read.  It was also light in terms of scientific terminology and hard statistical data which made it easy to digest and understand. It’s worthwhile taking notes of the different chemicals present within each personality type to better understand the role chemicals play in shaping our unique personality type.

It seems there are many methods available in order to understand ‘who is right for whom’  from various personality tests to using techniques based on palmistry or astrology.  Why Him? Why Her?  How to Find and Keep Lasting Love by Helen Fisher offers an easy to understand approach to categorising personality types.  The use of quotes throughout the book by literary giants and others in my opinion was overdone.  The end sections whereby the author gives practical help whilst not new or ground breaking was rich in facts and knowledge.

On a final note Helen’s statement on page 6 where she writes how ‘Your choice of mate will colour every aspect of your life… So whom you choose matters’ is spot on.

Dating highs and lows

Today I woke up feeling positively happy about all things ‘The Rules’.  It's amazing  how they work and how men really do respond to them. Not all men mind you just the ones that can keep up with ‘The Rules’ rigour.

During the past two weeks a handful of men who I spoke to a month ago have all gotten back in touch, including two that were initially declined.  One called checking availability for dinner and the other asking if I'd met anyone yet.

Unfortunately this one guy who was really cute and who called  two weeks ago has just 'cancelled me'.  It's my first ever cancellation from a hot potential.  Whereas I've been operating from a place of abundance, certainly my mind turned to lack.

So one 'very good hot potential' down.  Despite the recent dating highs and low; I will try to keep the faith and trust in the natural order of all things dating.

The Profile Surgery - Bitter

I came across the below profile last week.

‘I am an ambitious hard working individual who has decided to settle down in life and meet a nice women.  I am 6 foot tall and people say that I am a good looking guy.

I am loyal, trustworthy, caring, understanding, and passionate about life. 

One thing I must say is I do not like argumentative women or control freaks. That is something that is very off putting so if you are that sort of women, please do not contact me.

I am looking for a young attractive woman, who is tall, slim, caring, loyal, understanding and a homely person.

My intentions are to settle down and ideally have a family’.

He was cute and ticked many boxes although his written profile put me off a little.  Nevertheless out of curiosity and more to understand how an author of such a profile would translate ‘in reality’ I accepted his interest. 

He called me a couple of days ago and after the initial ‘what do you do type’ questions, he asked about my past relationship history.  I politely declined to respond and in the spirit of fairness asked him the same question.  He then spend two minutes ranting about his ex-wife.

He explained how they had met at university and how after graduation they had quickly married, moved home and both started new jobs all within a twelve months timeframe. He also explained that when his ex-wife’s mother passed away; she decided to move back to be with her family and on returning six months later requested a divorce.

He ended by saying that his ex-wife was also a manic depressive who had since remarried and moved to the states. 

I ended the call by congratulating his ex-wife on her new life and concluded that if they are bitter in their profile they are likely to be bitter ‘in reality’.

The Profile Surgery - Destiny





The Profile

The profile is both  enlightening and soul destroying. 

Sometimes insightful, often amusing, and at other times rather disturbing.  Some people view the profile as therapy and end up saying more than is necessary which can make for a very uncomfortable and cringe worthy read.  

To avoid any 'cringiness' within my own profile.  I turned to The Rules by Ellen F and Sherrie S. The Rules provide an excellent framework for both the pictures and written summary sections of the profile. 

In my experience the profile only gets a glance if I'm undecided about a particular person.  Often if the main criteria’s like location, age, height are satisfactory and if the picture is decent then  I'll quickly look over the profile to check mainly for any oddities. 

The more dating experience I gain, the more I believe that the profile is very similar to the covering letter.  Painstakingly put together, often involving lots of edits and re-writes and only read at the last and very final stages of the interview process. 

I’ve come across so many profile’s that I thought I’d share some.    The profile below

ticked all the right boxes until I glanced over his written summary  which I have included for you dear reader. 

Welcome...

What’s in a word... ?

Well they say we have the world in our palms...

I feel that limitations are what we make them... So the sky is the limit...

So let all words touch your mind’s eye... Where it makes you feel Grace... Contentment and passion...

These are simple words... but great nations... philosophies... laws and democracies are built on them...

What’s in all hearts... through the windows of our soul... ?

My wish is that our thoughts and hopes fly to a place where angels rest!!!

In Our Destiny

I deleted him and quickly moved on. 

Footnote: To avoid any accusations of plagiarism   the author of the above profile is attributed to a member of an Asian online dating date.  For discretion I’ve kept his online user name confidential. No editing has been made to any of the author’s original written profile.

Experiences with The Suman Marriage Bureau.

Parag at the Suman Marriage Bureau

Two years ago on a family weekend visit to the Black Country, my father suggested that we go for a walk. This meant that he wanted to talk in private. Like most fathers, he has a desire to see his children succeed. In my culture success amongst other things often equates to marriage and children.

We set off on our walk. Once in private he pulled out his journal, and handed a slip of paper with the contact details of the Suman Marriage Bureau. He suggested I consider joining and offered to pay the agency fees. Keen to please and feeling slightly conscious of being Asian, single, female and divorced. I took the contact details.

The following week after calling Parag at the Suman Marriage Bureau, and against my better judgment and initial intuition. I joined their standard service at a cost of £295 plus their online dating service at a further cost of £40.

The standard service according to their website guarantees a minimum of six introductions throughout the year. If these six introductions aren’t fulfilled within the year, then the service simply rolls on until the quota of six has been satisfied.

From my experience and certainly from the noises made within my network of family and friends. These introductions are made based on who Parag has on his books at that time.  And are irrespective of suitability; what you’ve asked for; or indeed what you’re looking for.

I was so dis-satisfied with the service that I continually requested a full refund. In the end the bureau returned 50% of the fee.

Better than nothing I guess.