The Three Day Rule

One of most empowering and liberating rule in The Rules book by the authors Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider is the three day rule.   This rule has prevented much angst and has allowed me to seamlessly maintain a healthy balance between dating, friends, family and every day life.

This particular rule stipulates that unless men are giving you three days notice for a date, i.e calling you by Wednesday for Saturday night then you basically don’t have a date.  One, two and most certainly last minute or same day dates are not accepted.  In practise this means that if by Wednesday for a Saturday date no confirmation has been received then there is no need to wait around for him to make contact. 

I’ve had plenty of practice with the three day rule  and in my experience have noted some subtleties particularly during the very early stages of dating when applying this rule:

1)    He has called well in advance of three days.  A date and time have been agreed but no venue

This is the scenario that I am most familiar with.  Most men can’t think of a venue on the spot especially if the date is being agreed on the telephone.  With practise I’ve learned to make a subtle suggestion that ‘maybe he’d like to get back to me with a venue’.  In every instance  I have quite literally heard the sense of relief in his voice at this suggestion.

When I first started applying the three day rule I would get incredibly close to the time of the date only to find that he still hadn’t confirmed the venue.  In many cases I’d wonder whether we still had a date and would start getting irritable since I didn’t know where and if we were still meeting.

 With time I started to notice a pattern developing. Most men would often confirm the venue two  to three hours before the agreed meeting time.  I began to expect a call or a text at 3pm confirming the plans for a meeting at 6pm.  I have now become so familiar with this scenario that I simply start getting ready for the date fully expecting the venue details to be confirmed on the day of the date.  Since I’ve already stated my preferred location I can also confidently calculate the required amount of travel time to the venue.

2)     He has called well in advance of the three days. He says that he’ll be in touch with the details

This scenario is simple, basically if he calls well within three days then you have a date. If he hasn’t been in touch within the three days then this date is removed from my diary.

I started the week with two dates lined up for Saturday.  Both men had called a week in advance.  I had agreed an afternoon coffee with date one and an early doors drink with date two.   The scheduling suited as it allowed enough time on Saturday morning to run errands before date one coupled with sufficient time to travel to date two. 

By Wednesday date one had been agreed whilst date two was still awaiting confirmation.  By Thursday date two still hadn’t confirmed and I now wasn’t planning on meeting him regardless of what contact he made.

On Friday evening I received a text from date two saying:

 ‘Hey I may be able to do Saturday evening but depends on whether my friend is planning to stay over on Saturday. Will let you know’. 

On reading his text I had a little chuckle and gave thanks to The Rules.  He hadn’t given me three days notice and I had since accepted an invite from my lovely friend Rachel to watch the comedy in a private box at the O2.  He then send another text on Saturday evening saying

 ‘Sorry I can’t do today, will be in touch to arrange something.  Have a nice weekend’. 

I then had another chuckle and gave more praise to the three day rule -   without which I would have been sitting at home on a Saturday evening waiting for him to get in touch, wondering why he hasn’t and being tempted to call him.

Liberated by the three day rule I was instead laughing at Russell Howards  jokes about Justin Bieber which incidentally are still making me laugh.

Being thankful for the ‘bad’ dates

Lots of people have bad dates. Bad can mean many things. Either you didn’t get on, or he was rude, or the most common case for a bad date is that they’ve lied in their profile.  Which can make for a rather awkward and uncomfortable date

Since a picture is worth a thousand words.  It’s hard to understand why The Suman Marriage Bureau refuses to hand out pictures. Rather you pay for a service whereby the bureau having interviewed you both on the phone and sometimes in person, hand pick suitable matches. Sound great in theory.

Last week The Bureau advised they had a match. The match ‘looked’ good on paper and we arranged to meet. On meeting my first reaction was of disappointment.  Disappointment with the Suman Marriage Bureau for setting up a date with someone totally unsuitable.

After the date, and as I walked up Regents Street the disappointment turned to embarrassment and shame. In some cultures (mine included) girls can be married too much older men who are completely unsuitable. Or girls have to accept the suitor offered to them without little or no choice.

Each time we meet someone unsuitable. Rather than lamenting we should be offering gratitude for the total freedom to say no without any refute or reappraisal.

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Giving them a chance

Recently  I wrote about how online dating sites are full of time wasters.  This week I logged on for my regular online dating session to find yet more one line and half baked emails. 

I’ve bought into the theory that these men are either already in a relationship; are not serious; or are simply window shopping.   In all these instances I’ve put my trust and confidence in ‘The Rules’ by deleting and banishing these types of emails to the ether.

This week I received an email from a guy on guardiansoulmates.com and feel that maybe some men should be given a chance albeit a small one.

He wrote the below note clearly perplexed by my lack of response.  His note came as a surprise since he had only added me as a ‘fan’.   Adding someone as a fan requires no more effort than simply clicking your mouse.  Since I never add anyone as a fan nor take any notice of being added as one, the lack of response from my part is well justified

In his first note he wrote:

Hi , Victory is yours.  I have failed in my mission to elicit a response from you. With a heavy heart I am forced to remove you from ‘my favorites’. Did you even notice I was a ‘fan’?

I responded by saying:

Hi,  Easiest victory ever. I don't think I’ve received a note from you so wouldn't have known to reply.

His next note said:

Thanks for your unexpected reply.  I was doubtful whether other subscribers existed. I view ‘favouriting’ as a sign of positive interest. Favouriting AND sending a message is bordering on harassment in this virtual world.

Personally I’m not surprised at his lack of response.  I advised him that if he is interested in someone then he may want to take the time to read their profile and actually write them a note.  It doesn’t have to a long note, neither does it have to be witty, full of satire or humour.  Rather the note just needs to demonstrate that you’ve taken the time to read their profile.

He thanked me for the advice.  Since he was graceful enough to accept the advice in the spirit in which it was given, I paired him up with a single friend of mine who I think may be better suited.  

From this experience I’m thinking that clearly there are people on dating sites who are keen to meet someone but maybe don’t know how to.  After all I’ve received many  first emails which whilst are ‘on rules’ have simply ‘poofed’ or vanished after my initial response or two or three emails later.

This week I will endeavour to relax a little by responding to any short emails with a very short note and will make my judgement based on their second note.